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The Ego
... when you are self-aware. The scent of your mother's skin, the softness of her touch. Running through a house. Using the bathroom your first memory. The deliciousness of falling into the soft bed, rubbing your cheek against the silky fabric, wondering if it ever gets better. The first time you really hurt yourself, when you were playing catch with your father, and you ran straight into a pointed wooden seat edge. The searing pain as you saw blood, and white flesh underneath the skin. The tears...plop, plop, plop. Growing up, a new life. Then self-aware of your body. I hate it. You hate it. I can see it in your eyes. Girls blossoming, boys preening. The first time you cried yourself to sleep, waking up the next morning looking like a raccoon. Leaving school. College. Boys? Scared. I'm fat. They don't look at me. I'm not attractive. Rejection. Tears. Love? That first time your heart flutters as he kisses you. The first time ever. Hit on the head with a ball. Winning a sporting event, when everyone wrote you off as a failure. Tears over not doing as well as you'd hoped in exams. Break. The feeling of being able to drive...I have a license! I have a car! That first time you had a fight. The pain of it all. Exciting times ahead...strike out on your own. Leaving home. Leaving everything. Truly finding yourself. Someone not able to do it on her own. Find your own way. That first time you cooked something edible. That first taste of delicious spices in your mouth. Heartbreak. That feeling when you wonder whether whatever you'd believed in for over three years was false. Falling again. Love. Giddiness. That feeling when your career is respected, and you're doing well. The feeling of failure when you came back, but self-respect for why you did. Recognition...more self-respect, only to have it torn to pieces.
That first time...when you think you'll make it.
How does it feel that first time?
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