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The Ego
Note: This will be the last time I blog about this topic. Not the last time I blog, silly...just this topic. I'm not planning what I write. What you read next is what I'm feeling, uncensored. Then, there will be no more talk about it because I cannot bear to go through this anymore.


It's still raw. Like a fresh wound that is refusing to heal. Many plans were made. So were promises. We planned for everything...where it would happen, how it would happen, what the TV room would look like haha. The weirdest, smallest little things were planned you know. It seems silly then that we never planned for a breakup.

I guess we never imagined it. I certainly never imagined external forces would convince him to leave. I don't think he did either.

Po is gone. Well, sort of. He made his choice and left me to make mine.

I've been crying. Raging. Breaking down. Staring into space. Nothing compares to the hollowness you feel when your other half has left.

I laugh and cringe and then cry when I think that I ... no, we ... were planning to get engaged this year or early next, married by late 2012 and ... so much more.

Last night I broke down and spoke to someone about it. She said something, which hurt, but was possibly true. She said I deserved to meet a man who willing to change his life for me, not change everything but make the choices that would work for me as well. I guess I can see he wasn't willing to change so much in his life for me. What's someone you know for a year and half compared to those you've known since you were born, isn't it?

I don't feel much nowadays. Pushing myself to go out. Keep busy and think about other things. It's the worst at night. When you're alone and idle and ... alone.

I say I won't write anymore about this, not because I've stopped caring. But because I don't have the strength to speak about it anymore. Because my friend also told me it gets worse when you let the guy know how much it's affected you. I know he can, and is, reading this. There will be no more. Nothing anymore in the public domain to speak of the pain I'm going through and will go through for some time. Nothing to speak of the dullness that will settle in eventually. And the twinges of hurt that come only with time.

Nothing.

Happy/Snarky blogposts to resume soon.

Adios...
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