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The Ego
...have passed since I started this blog. I put the dates into the online calculator, and these figures showed up:

From and including: Sunday, 24 September 2006
To and including: Monday, 11 July 2011
It is 1752 days from the start date to the end date, end date included
Or 4 years, 9 months, 18 days including the end date
Alternative time units
1752 days can be converted to one of these units:
151,372,800 seconds
2,522,880 minutes
42,048 hours
250 weeks (rounded down)

I started because of curiosity. I stuck at it because I loved to write. I spoke freely because I was anonymous. I can't believe I'm about to do this... but it has been at the back of my mind for a while now. Recent events have only confirmed that I'm not anonymous at all.

I'm not going to blog here anymore.

I don't know how many followers I have on this blog, or how many people come across it. I never bothered setting up analytics for this, so I don't know anything about the visitor statistics. Perhaps it is better I don't know.

I'm not going to delete this blog. It holds far too many memories. I'm just not returning to post here anymore. I  have a lot of social media going on with my real name, and ... the last thing I will share with you is this: I've already started some social media experiments with another anonymous name.

Today, is my last post as The Ego. I have become someone else, somewhere else. Where truly, no one knows me. Save one very important person, whom I trust with all my heart with my identity. That's how it will stay for that.

Thank you, whoever has come by my blog. I appreciate your comments, your support, and thank you again.

I wish everyone all the best...and who knows, you may stumble across my other blog not knowing it's me.

Take care bloggers.
- The Ego.
The Ego
... when you are self-aware. The scent of your mother's skin, the softness of her touch. Running through a house. Using the bathroom your first memory. The deliciousness of falling into the soft bed, rubbing your cheek against the silky fabric, wondering if it ever gets better. The first time you really hurt yourself, when you were playing catch with your father, and you ran straight into a pointed wooden seat edge. The searing pain as you saw blood, and white flesh underneath the skin. The tears...plop, plop, plop. Growing up, a new life. Then self-aware of your body. I hate it. You hate it. I can see it in your eyes. Girls blossoming, boys preening. The first time you cried yourself to sleep, waking up the next morning looking like a raccoon. Leaving school. College. Boys? Scared. I'm fat. They don't look at me. I'm not attractive. Rejection. Tears. Love? That first time your heart flutters as he kisses you. The first time ever. Hit on the head with a ball. Winning a sporting event, when everyone wrote you off as a failure. Tears over not doing as well as you'd hoped in exams. Break. The feeling of being able to drive...I have a license! I have a car! That first time you had a fight. The pain of it all. Exciting times ahead...strike out on your own. Leaving home. Leaving everything. Truly finding yourself. Someone not able to do it on her own. Find your own way. That first time you cooked something edible. That first taste of delicious spices in your mouth. Heartbreak. That feeling when you wonder whether whatever you'd believed in for over three years was false. Falling again. Love. Giddiness. That feeling when your career is respected, and you're doing well. The feeling of failure when you came back, but self-respect for why you did. Recognition...more self-respect, only to have it torn to pieces.
That first time...when you think you'll make it.
How does it feel that first time?
The Ego
Note: This will be the last time I blog about this topic. Not the last time I blog, silly...just this topic. I'm not planning what I write. What you read next is what I'm feeling, uncensored. Then, there will be no more talk about it because I cannot bear to go through this anymore.

It's still raw. Like a fresh wound that is refusing to heal. Many plans were made. So were promises. We planned for everything...where it would happen, how it would happen, what the TV room would look like haha. The weirdest, smallest little things were planned you know. It seems silly then that we never planned for a breakup.

I guess we never imagined it. I certainly never imagined external forces would convince him to leave. I don't think he did either.

Po is gone. Well, sort of. He made his choice and left me to make mine.

I've been crying. Raging. Breaking down. Staring into space. Nothing compares to the hollowness you feel when your other half has left.

I laugh and cringe and then cry when I think that I ... no, we ... were planning to get engaged this year or early next, married by late 2012 and ... so much more.

Last night I broke down and spoke to someone about it. She said something, which hurt, but was possibly true. She said I deserved to meet a man who willing to change his life for me, not change everything but make the choices that would work for me as well. I guess I can see he wasn't willing to change so much in his life for me. What's someone you know for a year and half compared to those you've known since you were born, isn't it?

I don't feel much nowadays. Pushing myself to go out. Keep busy and think about other things. It's the worst at night. When you're alone and idle and ... alone.

I say I won't write anymore about this, not because I've stopped caring. But because I don't have the strength to speak about it anymore. Because my friend also told me it gets worse when you let the guy know how much it's affected you. I know he can, and is, reading this. There will be no more. Nothing anymore in the public domain to speak of the pain I'm going through and will go through for some time. Nothing to speak of the dullness that will settle in eventually. And the twinges of hurt that come only with time.


Happy/Snarky blogposts to resume soon.

The Ego
Cheaters. I don't like them. Yet it seems as though Dubai is full of the sodding lot.

Anyway, I met this guy recently through common friends. Seemed decent enough. Few years older, with a wife and kids. Wife and kids are on a holiday right now. Chatted a bit, met up a few times. All platonic mind you. Then the weird stuff starts. Calls asking to meet at random times. Calls asking why I wasn't talking to him. Text messages asking the same. Emails. The whole shebang. Texting me to tell me how beautiful I looked.

Full stop has been noted. Barrier has been erected. A divider has been placed.

Goodbye despo.
The Ego
I haven't cried about this in a week now. I don't know what's happened just now...but it's started all over again. The feeling of pain and betrayal and hurt and ... just the pain. This was not supposed to happen. You were meant to be stronger than this. I was meant to be stronger than this. The futility of these tears strike me even as they roll down my face. But they keep coming and coming and coming...they just won't stop. Stupid...stupid... achy breaky heart.
The Ego
"I can really imagine how sick / empty / nauseous / insecure / betrayed ...devastated... you feel"

A friend sent me that message a few days back. She nailed it. That is exactly how I feel about the situation I am in. She's been through the same experience, and I can't wait to have some alone time with her to thrash it out and hopefully feel the slightest bit better. Although I doubt it.

*          *          *          *

This post is called "a month later" because I haven't blogged for a month now. Anyway, I've been busy with work and personal commitments, all of which have contributed to the lack of blogging.

*          *          *          *
Normal service to resume shortly.
The Ego
I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry at the ridiculous circumstances.

When I was in the UK, I'd mostly watch movies alone save maybe...2-3 times when I went with someone else. Which is fine, I got used to going for movies alone there.

You'd think I'd have friends in Dubai to call on to watch a movie with me. Nope. Most times that I've gone for movies since I was back I've gone alone since people are either too busy or too angry with me to go, or no one is as close as I'd like for a movie viewing.

It's weird but since coming back...I haven't spoken on the phone to anyone for more than perhaps 2-3 minutes if ever. It's a complete turnaround from the time before I left.

Hahahaha before I left I was the one who had problems going out often. Now when I can, other people do. Ah well.

Edit: It strikes me that not only for movies...but almost everything else I've gone out for, I've gone alone most of the time. My Brit state of living followed me back here!!! :D
The Ego
I'm back to my agony aunt mode again. Which is alright, to be honest. I have made a couple of new friends lately, and I think that's good. One, I'm meeting new people and two...right now, I'd like a few friends. Hmmm.

Anyway, one of these new friends, with whom I clicked really really really fast has been talking to me A LOT about this love-related problem. It's kinda cool to be the agony aunt, even if it's just as a sounding-off board. Plus we work in the same building so we catch up at lunch or in the middle and stuff. But he's really really really nice. Some of his ideas, ways of thinking remind me a lot of Po.

My boss thought I was crying at my desk today. She asked me if I was okay, thinking she'd said something to me. Nope. I was NEAR tears but not because of her. So having a friend in the building is small consolation, with hope of some distractions, even though one stops thinking about why one was driven to tears in the middle of work for just a few minutes. One just continues said crying on the bathroom floor when one is home.

What else, what else? Oh yeah, I need some sleep. Hah.
The Ego
What I did not want to see/hear but ended up having to anyway:
- A colleague's underwear (seriously)
- A bar in this city that had life-size cut-outs of naked men and women. Only silhouettes thank the stars so it's not like I could see *stuff*, although their butt-cracks were quite pronounced
- Learning that apparently sleeping with someone is not tantamount to being exclusive with them (well I knew this before but I figured it was just an exaggerated movie stereotype)
- Also seeing how many people just want that free hard drink and a man

What happened to curling up with a book or a movie? :-/ Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, who knows?
The Ego

I try to say goodbye and I choke...try to walk away and I stumble.
Though I try to hide it, it's world crumbles when you are not here.
The Ego
I know it's been ages since I returned but I only just finished unpacking and sorting my stuff I brought back from UK. That was really, really weird because it's only then when I saw stuff that was very UK-specific (Example, my coats), it upset me a little. I think I fell in love with living there more than I thought I did.

But I'm back for very good reasons and I am happy with what I've got brother...and a job. Yes I'm a productive (I think!) member of society. No longer a member of the unemployed or the "great unwashed" as it is sometimes referred to.

I've stacked away my boots and thick socks. Packed away my snow coats and hats and gloves. Pulled out my flip-flops and open toed shoes and heels and shorts and skirts and stuffed my thermal pants inside.

I'm really, really, really back.


Now to get a car. More on that in the next post!
The Ego
How can you not see? Has it blinded you so much? I remember the feeling of blindness. Ignorance sometimes sets you free. Yet you're awkward around me. Why is that? Perhaps you know deep down that I'm right? Or do you just feel awkward in apologetic grace? How can this have blinded you so much ... how has it blinded everyone? Or am I in the wrong ... if everyone sees it one way, maybe I am wrong? Or is it the case of the majority saying the world is flat when I insist that it's round? When will you see the world isn't as flat as you think?


How can you not see? This is tearing everything apart while you watch and do nothing. It is not me that is the problem, it is them. And it's come to the point where you know the others will never give me the respect I deserve. But you join them in their quest, unknowingly...unwillingly...but join them you do. Perhaps you're trying for the sense of alienation? Blame me after it crashes and burns? They will. You will too. Here too ... I insist the world is round when you say it's flat. When will you see the world isn't as flat as you think?


How can you not see? You haven't bothered. You say you don't care. You twist the knife deep into my gut and tell me I'm the one wielding the weapon. I've stopped've left nothing inside me. I feel no pain now...only twinges of loss, like a phantom limb. It comes and goes, but like an extremity, you've cut yourself off from me in a way that can never be re-attached. I only tried to do what was best for you. Yet you insisted I was wrong... the world isn't as flat as you think.


Note: Sorry readers, was in a weird mood and furiously typed out cryptic messages to people in my life who probably won't even read this! Regular posts soon...I've got loads of Dubai stuff to talk about!
The Ego
Dear Po,

I miss you. You're far away on a day when I would have loved to have you right next to me. Our first anniversary...happy one year to us.

I keep thinking of last you kissed me. It still sends a tingle up my spine. Even now. You ticked all my check boxes. We've had a blast in one year...we've had the most insane ups and downs. Did I tell you how much I love you?

You're the reason for so many good things in my life. So many good things... Heck, even my work experience and jobs are because of your support and the push you gave me to revamp some things. I carry a bit of you everyday with me. You're always there in my mind... Never does time go by without me thinking of you. Sometimes I think... WWPD? What would Po do?

You're the calm to my madness. You're the silver lining of all my cloudy days. You're the diamond among the coals in my life.

We've had a few setbacks recently, in almost a filmy fashion. I'm reminded of the Indian movies from the early 90s I think. In a detached way, that makes me laugh. But I'd like to think my love for you, and yours for me, is greater than the hate others feel for us.

I've stocked up on Valentine's Day cards and anniversary cards for the next few years. Silly perhaps...but my weird way of saying I want this to last.

I'll see you next year, yeah?


PS - I think you'll notice something about the font... :)
Labels: , 1 ego boost(s) | | edit post
The Ego
Something amazing happened this week... the only silver lining in the blackest cloud I've had to face. And now I'm being made to wait just a little bit more for it. It's like, you've been told you're getting candy at 10am on Thursday and now they're saying, wait...we'll let you know on Sunday when you'll actually get it. Three more days and counting... Just got to keep telling myself it's almost here. Worth the wait and all that...

In Dubai-related news... I've cleared out a lot of things from my house, and we're just waiting for one or two more things we need to decide if we don't want anymore... and then we're calling the Take My Junk people ... There's loads of clothes, shoes, art/crafts unused material still in good condition ... and here's the best bit, my TV, DVD player and VCR. I just don't need those anymore; I use my laptop for everything; I don't need my own TV and entertainment system in my room...I mean, there already is the entertainment stuff in the living room so... it'll go to good use, since everything is either brand new or in very good condition. Am sure there are more people who need these items, so...that's that.

In more waiting AND Dubai-related news... I need a car, but have to wait because it's not like my father is going to pay for a new car for me. But that isn't stopping me for scoping cars out...I've my eye on something. Here's hoping I can afford it soon and all that.

I'm in this weird mood, needing to eat fattening stuff. Comfort eating, damn it all.

With that thought... ciao.
The Ego

I don't wanna cry every time we try it never fails
Change the illusion wanna be close set for sail
My heart's in your hand don't you go hurt me again
all we got is one chance and it's sink or swim
So why rock a boat and make waves
And everything's coming okay
why am I confused if you love me
Thought this would be smooth sailing

The Ego
A conversation I had today with a very helpful man at a money transfer centre:

Me: I would like to transfer $XXX to this bank.
Him: Sure, can you write your name and number here? *gives me paper and pen*
Me: *scribble scribble scribble*
Him: Ma'am can you also write your company name?
Me: Eh.
Him: Ma'am, company name...where you work?
Me: Oh I don't work.
Him: You don't have a job?
Me: No.
Him: No company?
Me: No company.
Him: Hmmm. Student?
Him: Oh.
Me: *waits patiently*
Him: Housewife? *hopefully*
Me: No! *indignantly*

He put me down as a tourist.
The Ego
Clearly I need to make being an agony aunt to my friend's lives a full-time paying job. I'd certainly rake in purely for listening time ;)

Anyway, this is another friend who is having some issues. Any advice is, as always, appreciated.

She's in a long-term relationship, and loves this guy, whom I've met and by all accounts and personal observations is a decent guy. He seems to adore her as well. Anyway, after time had passed in their relationship, they told their parents. Her parents like him and met him, while his objected vehemently to the relationship, citing her strong-willed and independent nature as a problem for them. They also said they did not get good vibes from her (upon seeing her photograph) among other numerous things they had issues with, concerning her and her family. Anyway, currently her boyfriend is pretending to his family that he is not in a relationship with her to keep them happy, saying he will bring the topic up again, perhaps in a few months or even longer, when he is in a better position financially to argue his case. She told him her nature isn't going to change neither are any of the other problems they raised. What then? But he has refused to budge on his stance. She still loves him ... but is confused about how to deal with him as she feels he needs to stand up for her and support her now when it counts.

The Ego
Years ago, a group of people would be gathered around a table, sitting in places they had sat every birthday in the family for a very long time. There would be platefuls of food and drink around the table, laughter, chatter. This easy camaraderie would last two to three hours at the very least, before the cake, the magnificent cake, was brought out. The birthday boy/girl in question would cut the cake and serve everyone. Everyone would eat, some would go off to sleep in the afternoon and wake up around tea time, refreshed from their heavy yet happy lunch.

Then evil entered.

The lunches continued, perhaps a bit more subdued, perhaps a little guarded. Things of importance were never discussed.

Evil killed. One among the group was taken. Because of her.

The evil was barred from the house that once had seen such happiness.

Birthdays come and go, the celebrations have gone. The good people have lost. For now.

*         *         *         *

And with some happier thoughts....

A birthday saw volleyball, a BBQ party, a car full of balloons, a surprise party and accidental drunken-ness in a colder land, in different years.

This year...a birthday sees...a lot of food with a select few...mother, brother and Po. That's all that is needed.
The Ego
What I'm hearing:

  • "I don't have time for you"
  • "I see no reason to divulge to you how I feel or what I want"
  • "This is not that important to me"
  • "You're the one who isn't understanding why my hands are tied"
  • "The fact that I'm not untying these shackles implies I'm incapable of fighting for what I want"
  • "How you feel means squat"
  • "I know how you feel, I know what you want, but I choose to pander to other people"
  • "You will never come first. Never."

I don't know what you're aiming to say, if it's any different from this, because you've conveniently shut your mouth.

Alienation much?
The Ego
So my Mom had gone with my Papa for a concert sort-of thing last night (which was a feat, mind you - they don't go anywhere together and Mom doesn't like to leave my bro with me at night), and when she came back, she had a funny story to tell me.

Before the concert started, there was a dinner buffet, and massive round tables for the guests to sit around. They got their dinner and were eating, when a large family (Mom said she thought they were Punjabi) sat down at the same table. A father-mother, their son and wife, their daughter and husband, and their daughter-in-law's parents. Some members of the family sat down while the remainder went to get food. The daughter-in-law (DIL henceforth for convenience!) came back early and sat next to her parents and started eating.

Mother-in-law (MIL): Hai, bahurani to kha rahi hai. Mere liye kuch nahi?! (OMG my DIL is eating! She didn't bring anything for me?!)
DIL: *startled* Aapne nahi khaaya? (You haven't eaten?)
MIL: Nahi! Maine socha ki tum laaogi mere liye. Aur mujhe to vegetarian chahiye. (No! I thought you would get some for me. And I want vegetarian food)
DIL: Oh. Lekin waahan pe bahut veg khaana nahi hai (Oh. But there's not a lot of veg food)
MIL: KYOOOOON? Woh dekho *points to my Mom's plate* Woh tho hummus kha rahi hai. Mere liye hummus lao! (WHYYYYYY? Look at that *points to my Mom's plate* She's eating hummus. Bring me hummus!)

Then DIL asked my Mom where she got the hummus from. Mom pointed her in the right direction, and when dear DIL came back, the plate was heaped to the heavens with hummus and the other veg stuff, and she put the plate in front of her MIL.

DIL: Ye lo! Veg khaana jo aapne mangaaya! (Here you go. The veg food that you ordered)

*          *          *          *

On a completely unrelated note...I'm scared I'll suffer the same fate as the room you so desperately want.
The Ego
It's weird - Dubai's cold weather seems more biting that that of UK. I used to walk around at 15 degrees in UK feeling hot. Here 20 degrees is pleasant. Very very odd.

It's not good to depend on someone so much you can't function when they're not there. I'd done that once before, but towards the end of that relationship, I'd schooled myself to function. To be able to do my own thing without needing much or any support. Thing is, I didn't think I'd have a problem later on, knowing what I did. So how come I've  been unable to work for the last couple of days? So my advice: never ever ever rely on someone a 100%. No matter how reliable they are, circumstances can change.

My room has been well and truly cleaned. I think my mother is in a state of shock over its apparent organized nature.

I've been under a massive whirlpool of stress over the last few days. It's been so bad I've lost my appetite (I've never eaten so sparingly before), haven't been sleeping and just feel a maelstrom of thoughts pounding against my head screaming to get out, but they can't because no one is listening to them.

I'm one of those people...if I take a dislike to someone, it stays imprinted in my mind so so so visibly, that the other person whom I don't like often always knows by my demeanour that I don't think much of them. Plus, once that dislike is taken, it takes something pretty major/massive to happen for me to change my mind. What happens when you decide to take a dislike to someone you can't afford to dislike? *sigh*

I need to buy a wireless router for my house. I've been helped...guided in the right direction but I still feel like I'm going to buy the wrong thing. Need to find someone else to physically go to the store and help me pick.

I need a vacation.
The Ego
I'm confused.

I feel like I'm groping about helplessly in the dark.

I also feel like things are worse than they should be.

In addition, there's the impression that I was misled... "I don't foresee any problems", you said. Was that a lie?

When you're supposed to be a team, it feels like a one-person job. It's not nice to be sidelined or be kept in the dark.

Currently the impression stands that I'm not being stood up for; I'm not getting support. And that's because I don't have all the facts, which annoys me no end. I wouldn't have done the same, and that's a fact. So with half-baked information, I'm left to stew in my own imagination, which has gone into hyperdrive and it's thinking the worst.
The Ego
While I'm not comparing myself to the Terminator (I'm so not buff), I do think the line "I'll be back" was a boon to humanity.

Thing is...I am back.

In Dubai that is.

So... hello! *waves*

(And yes, I'm back. Indefinitely.)
The Ego
Note: Explicitly abusive post ahead, with curse words thrown in. Don't read if it might offend your sensibilities.

Pardon my French, but what kind of filthy bitch teaches her child to tell the paternal grandmom to "go up" & point to a statue of God?

Yeah, that's just a minute fraction of what my family has to deal with. And her stupid, stupid husband keeps quiet. Useless son. Useless bitch of a wife. His stupidity, and her abject evil is the only reason, the ONLY reason my grandfather died. I blame them for his death till this day and nothing can make me think different. If that hag hadn't come back, he wouldn't have been so wouldn't have affected him the way it did.

Did his blind son not see how much he pleaded? Don't bring her home, my grandfather told him. Still he did.

I will never forgive him for driving my grandfather to death. And she's a pure evil bitch. I hope she burns in living hell while my grandmother and mother are still alive. I want them to see her suffer even a fraction of what she's made them go through.

Do I sound vindictive? Fucking hell yes.
The Ego
Dear Po,

Happy 10 months. I cannot think of anything better to do today than what I have planned. I'm sure you will agree.

Labels: , 2 ego boost(s) | | edit post
The Ego
I get sleepless nights sometimes. There are a variety of reasons, but mostly it's because I can tend to worry too much at times.

This seems to be one of those nights. It's as if I feel sleepy but my eyes won't close and I feel jittery and just can't go to bed.

Initially I'd just lie with my eyes open and eventually fall to sleep. Eventually it became worse, in the sense that it felt imperative to stay awake. Anyway, I took to calling friends at night/chatting online to whomever was around. One of them told me to stop calling if I had this problem as he/she had had enough of it. Not very sensitive when all one wants is to be able to sleep peacefully for a few hours.

I thought I'd found a way to get to bed okay, but in the last couple of weeks, it's been next to impossible to get that way to work. I'd been hoping that during this time, I don't get bouts of sleeplessness and the jitters, but here we are...

Here we are...
The Ego
...isn't terrible. It's a smorgasbord though, which makes for terribly restless nights. Ask Po. I wake up thrashing like a moron only to find I'm having a nightmare. It leaves him bewildered when I wake up telling him what I think about what he's saying, having been silent the whole time.

(When I'm super stressed, I dream. A LOT. Which accounts for my 5+ dreams last night.)

Anyway, my current state of mind:

Happy that things are moving forward. Sad for what I have to leave behind. Pain at hurting a close friend. Jitters over what I've decided. Backtracking to the crucial point a few days ago. Fear over doing something I wasn't planning on. Comfort at knowing I'll be good at it. Worry over how I'll finish everything before the deadline. Complete manic and panic over the entire situation.

Clearly I have the emotional range of more than just a teaspoon ;)
The Ego
I saw this quote online... "How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhere else."

And it perfectly sums up the mood for today. I thought I was going in a particular direction...but something came in the way and now I'm moving in a completely opposite direction, doing something I used to vehemently say I would not do.

There are many cons to what I'm going to do next. But the pros outweigh them...the good things are much valuable to me than the pain I'll experience with this choice.

It's really odd to think, that last year...well...exactly one year ago to the day, a decision was taken. An irrevocable one than changed the course of 2010 as I saw it. It was one of the best decisions I'd taken all year. I can only hope this year's choice will also have a positive outcome as it did last year.

To new beginnings and a crazy 2011 indeed :)
The Ego
She tosses and turns, the soft sheets making her hotter. She's alone in the wide bed, rustling between two soft pillows, covered under silken blue.

She's sweating, feeling restless. She hugs herself in the stillness of the night.

And then...a noise. She hears his voice. Feels his touch. A sliver of a smile appears on her face. He's here. Eyes closed, she indulges in the warm sensations spreading through her. A light touch down her hands, a soft whisper on her cheeks. A brazen heaviness on her neck. The moist imprint on her lips.

She opens her eyes.

She's alone.

Wake up.
The Ego
Thing is, what people should remember is that January 1 2011, is only a date. Yeah 1/1/11 isn't going to come around again for a long long time, but it's only a date.

New Year's is a way to party and have fun. It's a way to mark the end of one revolution of the Earth around the Sun. It's a way for us to count, quantify and add a kind of marker to each passing day.

Remember... it's only a date. It's what you make of the new revolution that counts.

Have a happy and safe 2011.
DISCLAIMER: All opinions expressed on this blog are the bloggers private thoughts, not meant to cause harm. Take everything with a pinch of salt.