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The Ego
So if you know me personally, you will know that I am a terribly curious person. I always try to control it, but rarely ever does that will-power to not poke and pry work (perhaps a good thing considering my career choice!).

There's something I've been itching to do for a while. It involves me satisfying my curiosity about someone by learning more about his/her life before s/he met me. Thing is, I know that there will be some things that I might take umbrage to (I've always wanted to use that word in normal conversation!) but I still want to do it because I love knowing people inside-out.

I haven't yet done this deed. I read something somewhere about needing to trust and not tumbling out skeletons in the closet. But surely it's better if I connect with the person skeletons and all? Different people might have varying perspectives on this one.

To satisfy my curiosity or not to ... that is the question.
The Ego
Just a word of warning to people wanting to get into long-distance relationships: only do it if you're 100% certain about the relationship.

Don't get into it because you might be attracted, or you might be interested or he/she is hot. Seriously.

It's a lot of hard work and if you don't love the other person, it's going to crash and burn because the two of you will not be able to handle the additional pressures that come with the relationship.

Happy 8 months Po. I never thought long-distance relationships would ever be so easy.

I love you.
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The Ego
... since the incidents of 26/11 in Bombay.

Sometimes odd to think so much time has passed. I've been to the Taj's refurbished back to its original splendour. But the extra security reminds visitors of the bloody carnage 2 years ago.

So pointless. What did it...what does any bloody war like that achieve?

Broken hearts. Lost lives. Angry accusations. A string of 'what if's. An empty room. A still photograph. A memory. Hope cut off. Futility.

I wish courage for the bereaved families... 'tis always a hard thing to lose a loved one; harder still to lose them in a senseless brush with violence.
The Ego
As with Eminem's song featuring Rihanna, Love the Way You Lie having a sequel of sorts, the post I made a while back, The Fiery and Tempestuous. Love., had to have its own second part, non?

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes

Perfect. Love. Giddiness. Excitement. Devil may care. Throwing caution to the winds. Laughing in fate's face. Love.
It changes. You lied. You hurt. You tore me apart. I loved you.
A beautiful disaster ... you.

Now there's gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
In this tug of war, you'll always win
Even when I'm right
'Cause you feed me fables from your hand
With violent words and empty threats

Screams. Fights. Scraped knuckles. The walls have blood on them.
Don't hurt yourself, I half-cry, half-scream. Don't hurt yourself.
Apologies pour, but not from you. Somehow believing it's my fault.
"I'll leave you if you don't do this", "I'll hurt myself if you do that" ... violence and threats.
Don't let them be real.
Flashback to pain. Yours and mine.

Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
Run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy
Baby, without you, I'm nothing, I'm so lost, hug me
With you I'm in my fuckin' mind, without you, I'm out it

Come back. Please. "I hate you - you made me change who I really am."
Bitch. Me.
Don't touch me, he screams. You're dirty. Changes his mind: No, come back. Come back. I love you.
Do you really?
Said he can't make it without me.
Mad. Insane. Love. Obsession. Unhealthy. Love.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
The Ego
I have to tell you something.
[ first break ]

I try not to be a hypocrite. I'm sure I might have been at some point or the other, but not intentionally. I firmly believe in the do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So it makes one feel like a terrible person...having an issue with her speaking to him.

Tell me when you speak to her or if she contacts you.

Curiousity gets the better of me. Accessing other people's accounts is akin to eavesdropping - you hardly ever see good stuff in there.

Why didn't you tell me she contacted you???
[ second break ]

I'd have a massive problem if Dr Phd (new character in the BFE series!) would stop talking to me if his girlfriend took a dislike to me. I don't like him that way at all and she should know that. How fair is it for me to have done the same, or tried to do the same to someone else?

[ silence ]
The Ego
...or rather, from women to men.

I've had the opportunity to come across many women who send signals to men showing they're interested. Now the problem is, the women think the signals are crystal-clear and the men haven't a bloody clue. Sometimes these clues/signals/hints come in physical form, sometimes they're hidden (quite conspicuously according the the females) in the things they say or the way they behave. do you know if a woman is sending you a signal?
  • She constantly brushes your hand: I'm guilty of this one in the past. I didn't want to seem too physical, I didn't want to vocalize my interest, so when it came to a person who was already a friend (mind you, women do this even with men who aren't very good friends, so it's a no-brainer then!!!) I kept finding ways to brush against his hand or fingers with mine. He never got it.
  • She tells you to "change your Facebook/Twitter profile picture because" she "can't see your beautiful eyes in them". Ummm...she WANTS you. RAWR.
  • She constantly laughs at your jokes, however pathetic.
  • She asks you stupid questions about your car/favourite sport. Unless you know she has a history of interest in cars/sport (example, me asking cricket questions is NOT to be misconstrued as an expression of my deep desires), she's doing it because you need to think, "oh, we can have a conversation about my stuff too!"
  • She tells you, "After last night, I need a soap [in your room] with my name on it" (This really was said; not by me thank the stars). While 'last night' could be something as innocent as cleaning up the kitchen after a messy cooking session...soap in your bathroom? With her name on it? COME did you not see it?!
  • She suddenly disappears for a while from your chat/email/texting sessions, which will either result in two things. One, you will notice someone is missing and email/ping/text her to say, "Hey, where are you?" which will make her think, "YES HE LOVES ME!". Alternatively, you shrug and keep on with your life, and she'll ping/email/text you to say, "Haven't you noticed I'm gone? Don't you care about talking to me anymore?" Yeah, she lusts.
  • Alarming degree of emails/chat messages/texts at odd hours.
  • She complains: "Why are you deleting my posts from your Facebook wall? Don't deny you're doing it? Are you ashamed of me?!" Oh and does this about 2-3 times a week.
  • She tries to goad you constantly by talking about some other guy. "Oh yeah XYZ asked me to lunch/dinner/bowling ... I'm thinking of going?" And waits for you to say, "What? Why? Why him? Don't go!" but you might most likely go, "HAHAHAHA HIM? Have fun :D" or "Oh okay, have fun!"
  • She constantly asks you stupid favours which she can clearly do on her own.
  • She pushes for you to go for a movie together. Pushes. Constantly.
  • "How many children do you want?" She's thinking of having yours. Get with the programme.
  • She's not a fan of showing physical affection and plants a big one on your cheek/forehead. Note that if she aims for your mouth, there's no other way to interpret that. Then you're just stupid.
  • She says that if you two weren't such good friends, she'd fall for you. M'boy, she already has.
Please note that the woman has to exhibit two or more of these signals in conjunction for this list to hold accurate. I can ask male cousins how many children they want but it's not a sign of my incestuous love.
The Ego
Anyone else feel like their curiousity has gotten them into trouble or led them down paths they shouldn't have gone?

Sometimes I think I'm too curious for my own good.

* * * *

In other news, Jo and I are watching all the Harry Potter movies before we watch it on Friday. We're done with the third movie, with her exclaiming about how she hates JK Rowling for killing Lupin and Fred. Me, I was exclaiming about Snape.

* * * *

Eid Mubarak everyone...from the looks of it, I'll be celebrating as well. Jo and I might be heading to a fantastic Pakistani restaurant we found in the area. Yay!
The Ego
I have loads. Deciding to indulge here, in the hope they get exorcised! I fear that:
  • I'm not good enough, in general.
  • I'll die before my brother. I know this is hopefully a long way off, but I want to make sure I'm there for his entire life because there's no way in hell when I'm gone will anyone else look after him with love and understanding. No one. Also morbid because he's a good 9 years younger than me.
  • There's no afterlife. My mother, for example, has suffered enough in this life. I want there to be an afterlife for her to be happy in.
  • People will suddenly wake up and say, A journalist? YOU?! HAH.
  • I'll never have the answer to the question: "Is there a God?" I want to KNOW, one way or the other.
  • The love I had for over 3 years for someone was never enough for him. It hurts.
  • I won't ever be satisfied with anything.
Okay, enough for today!!!
The Ego
Uh no.

Anyway, what happened today:

There's a possibility I might get to write for a weddings magazine. Not a permanent thing though, but as a freelancer. Anyway, I figured that if they decide to commission me, I should know a bit more about their publication.

I realized though, that even though London is a busy, scurrying city, I didn't want anyone seeing I'd bought a wedding magazine. I'm not a bride! If I could've prevented the cashier from seeing which magazine I bought, I would!

So I walked into the store and bought a movie magazine I regularly do, then set about find the wedding mag that only to-be-brides buy. I spotted it on the top shelf.

What the hell is it doing there, I wondered. The top shelf is reserved for the Nuts and Zoos (that's ding-dongs and juicy-juicy mangoes to you) of the magazine world, not magazines about weddings (Although let's be fair, weddings do imply a certain element of ding dongs and mangoes).

I couldn't reach to the top shelf; the shop was crowded and all the shop staff were busy.

I gulped and jumped head-long into the pool of imagined embarrassment.

"Excuse me?" I said to a serious looking man next to me, looking at gadget magazines (Although a fair few of them have scantily-clad women on the cover).
"Could you possibly reach the top shelf?" as I vaguely pointed to the top shelf that even encompassed the Mango magazines on the side.
"Yes of course" he said, smiling at me.
Luckily, the lesbian magazine (yes, there's one and I must say, while there are two women on the cover in a state of nudity, the cover is quite sexy) was placed in a completely different area, so he realized I wanted the wedding magazines and not the mango ones.
"Do you want this one?" he asked point to one kind of wedding magazine.
"Uh, no the one to its left," I replied, unable to even squeak out its name.
He helpfully got it down for me.

I hid it under the movie magazine till I got to the check-out where I hoped the cashier would not notice what I was buying. He probably wouldn't have batted an eyelid if I bought Nuts though. Imagined embarrassment, as I said.

Now I have a magazine about weddings in my room. To hide it from my flatmates hide it from them.
The Ego

I kid you not.

I used to scoff at people who met their significant others online. Now I've landed up doing it. But let's be fair, I'm not a fan of matrimonial web sites and Twitter is hardly that.

I got into the world of Twitter when I was at my last work placement in Dubai. It was interesting and catered to my narcissism, allowing me to talk about myself whenever I liked. It became more than that though. I started interacting with different people, talking about similar likes and interests, and eventually, thought of meeting them at tweetups (meetings where people of Twitter interact).

Anyway, I digress. While I was following people, I kept noticing Po's name coming up in tweets. Eventually I figured, what the hell...let me follow this guy whom everyone is tweeting to. In a truly childish way, I wanted the big guns of the Dubai twitterati to follow me. When I got the notification saying Po had followed me, I was elated.

That's all there was really. I'd moved to UK, I was in a long-distance relationship already. I hardly spoke to Po. But there were many lonely nights as my ex-boyfriend and I didn't get to speak that much online (to clarify, I was online 24-7) and I turned to Twitter...I would talk to whoever was tweeting late into the night and amuse myself. One night in November, Po tweeted something that resonated with me. I tweeted back...and in a couple hours, we were discussing his problems on Gchat.

We used to talk every day after that. In a couple weeks though, I started feeling uncomfortable. Why? Because I was too comfortable with him. I'm alright with having male friends, but I'd never experienced this level of understanding or comfort with any other guy. I already was with someone and even being such good friends with another guy ... well I thought my boyfriend would have a problem. I tried toning down my interactions with Po as much as possible.

After that I met him in December when I went back to Dubai. That's when I suffered the break-up blow. I didn't tell anyone about it though; I was too broken, too sad, and in fact, too ashamed. Ashamed because I didn't want to be one half of those failed relationships. Anyway, I think within two weeks or less of me returning to UK, Po guessed why I was always so sad. He became my rock. The person who could make me smile when I would cry over losing someone I'd been with for over 3 years. The person whom I'd turn to when I was awake and bored. The person whom I'd talk to for hours at end. My sunshine.

I didn't understand it. I was crying for one guy but so happy being with another. Madness. Flirtation was the order of the day. There was something, but there was nothing.

Not until I went back home around Easter.

Then there was everything. friends, is where Po came from. Twitter.
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The Ego
Why did I write the four-part series "What is Love"?

It certainly wasn't a story I meant to put out there. Believe it or not, I wrote Part 1 towards the end of November 2009 and saved it as a draft. In that version, I'd left CC getting off the plane in Dubai since I had no idea what was going to happen next. In this version, I've said for certain that it meant the end. Apart from that, I decided to omit one important line from the piece, only because I felt it was too ... haha... risqué!

There were no other parts at that point.

Why did I publish the post in September? I don't know. I guess I just felt like getting it out there. Like putting CC's story on record.

Once I published part 1, or rather, just before I hit 'publish', I thought: "If I read this somewhere, I'd want to know what happens next." That's when I decided to add the note that this would be continued.

Part two, three and four followed. It was a cathartic experience, although sometimes a painful one.

I can't continue writing more unless something further happens. CC is based on a real person...all the events in this series are very much real.

But for CC's sake, I hope she stays happy with iC and that there's no more reason for upheaval in her life. She's had a roller coaster year and would very much like a break from that.

And with that, the series is over.
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