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The Ego
2010 has been ... tumultuous. Sometimes I'm not sure whether in a good way or not-so-good! My annual recap:

January
I was in Dubai...flew back to UK on a stormy and rain-filled night. A night that lightning hit the Burj Khalifa. I was in Dubai for its opening...watched it with my best friend (who is incidentally my flatmate in the Big Smoke now). In the first week of this month, I officially ended a relationship that was a focal point for over 3 years. I got stranded in my flat because of snow back in the UK, gave important exams and made a new friend.

February
New projects in university were taking up my time. As well as reaching out to the people in my course. As one of them told me later, I wasn't very chatty in the first semester. I looked happier now, they said. My friendship with Po was...confusing.

March
My birthday month! During which I opened presents and accidentally got drunk at my birthday dinner with flatmates. I hadn't set out to drink AT ALL and by the end of the night through a series of (un)fortunate events I was sloshed, singing Atif Aslam and the UAE national anthem on the street. Found out something earth-shattering and heart-breaking. Went back to Dubai. Faced some problems. Officially started a relationship with Po.

April
Back to UK. University work heating up. Long-distance relationship to be handled. Somehow we'd talked about marriage and kids and...the fact that we already loved each other.

May
Massive uni project, which kept me up at nights...taught me a lot about teamwork and my capabilities. Dissertation plans afoot. Also marked the first bump in the road.

June
Dissertation. Dissertation. Dissertation.

July
Dissertation. Dissertation. Dissertation.

August
Dissertation handed in. Insane trip to Bombay and Dubai. Bombay trip necessary because of my grandmother who was hooked up to life support. I got there in time; I held her hand as she passed away. Dubai trip decided to become terrible with daily visits to a doctor because of a pre-existing medical condition. New camera courtesy Po and Jo. Seeing Po after months...wish we had more time.

September
Po leaves early from Dubai. I return to UK. Move into a new flat. Hate the new room. Eventually start loving the new room. Loved living with my best friend Jo and a friend from uni. Job hunting the order of the day.

October
An exhausting but amazing internship. Learning new things about London. Dealing with a 5.5 hour time difference with Po.

November
Quiet month. Happy days.

December
Stress over not having a job. Stress over visa applications. Stress over anything and everything! Another bump in the road. Snowfall. Moving into a new and bigger room because uni friend/flatmate moved to another country because of a job opportunity. Missing weddings but attended one via livestream online. Missing family in India.


I think 2010 had the most changes for me in various aspects of my life...perhaps the kind of which I'd last seen in 2004 or 2005. But the years after those massive changes got better and interesting, so I have great hopes for what's to come.

Happy New Year in advance to everyone...hope you'll have a fab 2011.
The Ego
Nine months have gone by and it's been interesting. Did I ever expect to be insanely in love like this? I'd say no. Certainly a little less than a year ago, I'd scoff if anyone said I'd be this involved and so head-over-heels in love with someone at the end of this year.

He understands me really well and more so than anyone does. It feels like a blessing...like I found my four-leaf clover... my missing puzzle piece... my better half.

Mushy, much?

Happy 9 months.
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The Ego
Like my previous post where I asked readers to pitch in their comments, here's another one of those (and to the reader who did comment on my last post but asked me not to publish it, thanks for the input...I think the same way and have voiced it as such to the friend already but she's not listening...is determined to give the fellow a millionth chance):

So there's this woman who is married, who has previously talked about how she's alone and bored and how she has no faith in marriage and blah blah blah. It is also hard to figure out she is married, considering she hardly ever mentions or alludes to her hubby being around. EVER. She also insists on telling some other guy (a friend of mine) how much she misses his wit and charm, and how she misses talking to him...not once but multiple times. I've told this guy that it's really weird because, for one, she's married. And as far as I know, they were never the best of friends anyway. Thirdly, no woman will tell a guy this multiple times unless she's just a massive flirt and/or interested (and she's married, FFS). In conclusion, I also said that if he's not interested in her (which he shouldn't be...she's married!), he needs to stop being super-friendly back because it will just encourage her, never mind his friendly personality.

Does anyone think I'm giving him wrong advice? What do you think?
The Ego
I have a question for anyone reading this blog...if you have an opinion on the following matter, I'd be glad to hear it. Yesterday I met with a dear friend for a few hours before she went on to her boyfriend's house for Christmas. So she keeps finding out new things about him and each time the new thing shocks her. Essentially, he used to be a fan of online chatrooms and online dating websites and things like that. Problem is, he is still close friends (or so he claims) with three girls found from these sites and corresponds with them. Again, the problem with this is, one girl emails him constantly to tell him that he's always on her mind (and he tells my friend that it is normal for British people to say this; but it's not, and she's not even British!); another sends him AND his father Christmas presents from a country far, far away (and he says even this is normal) and when he emailed her to tell her he hasn't sent a Christmas present this year to her, and that he has a girlfriend in UK, this other woman sends back a hysterical email about how he can't do this to her. But again, he says all of this is normal. I think he's an ass and she'd be well rid of him. What do you think?

* * * * *

I mourn deeply for a friend I've lost. Not to death, thankfully...but to something else: giddiness and absolute lunacy. Now I know people can change and I know that circumstances change people... but sometimes when the change is a complete 360 degrees and goes against the very fabric of one's upbringing...it puzzles me. I'm quite accepting of insane party folk; I can think of at least two friends at the drop of a hat who party like mad, get drunk even...some sleep around. I don't think that's the best way to live one's life, but knowing them for years...I know the kind of people they are. Nice people but perhaps in need of some stability and sensibility...I accept them for who they are and who they want to be. But when someone who has lived their life a particular way gets under the influence of deviant elements and decides to join the drunken club of Dubai with flesh on display like the high society tarts of the city...it bugs the shit out of me. This is not the person I knew. Or maybe it always was...and it just stayed hidden till now. Who knows...

* * * * *

I offered to buy someone something because I thought they would like it. Getting turned down hurt me more than I thought it would.

* * * * *

London shuts down during Christmas. No tubes, no buses, shops all closed...the city comes to a standstill while everyone spends time with family and friends. Sharp contrast to Dubai - it gets busier! With shops throwing special offers, restaurants with Christmas deals...you'd be hard pressed to find similar things over here. Merry Christmas and all that...

* * * * *
The Ego
Last year on the same date, I was getting ready to come back to Dubai for my winter break. I remember the exact date because it was exactly three months to the day after I left for my Masters. I also remember the date because history seems to be repeating itself.

A friend of Jo is currently with us because her flights have been cancelled over the last few days and she's stuck in London. My other flatmate - shall we call her Sea - is also worried as she has a flight to catch home tomorrow. Jo is flying in a couple of days to India, so...three out of the four people in the flat are a bit stressed out.

I'll be fair though, the amount of snow in London doesn't even compare to the amount of snow up north (Which is where I lived for a year) so that might give you an idea to how much snow we get this time of the year in the UK.

I did comment though, that sometimes it feels like when it snows here is like when it rains in Dubai. It happens every year regularly, yet every time it seems like both places are thrown into chaos!

* * * * *

Po has been offline for over a day now and it's a bit weird, just because of how connected we are otherwise. I've managed okay, but I do miss him a lot. Last year at this time I sent him a frantic Gtalk offliner about the amount of snow up north and how I'd never be able to fly out because the chances were my flight would be delayed. Last year around this time, I would talk to him about my by-then flagging love life and how I missed my then-boyfriend because I'd rarely see him online. It's weird how one year can turn things around in ways you least imagine.

* * * * *

Four girls were to be found today crowded around a real fireplace, drinking pink fizz (made from rosé; I must add I popped the cork myself!) and playing cards. Last year I was online, almost packed, waiting for someone...anyone...to come online to give me company.

* * * * *

One year has passed since my first "return" to Dubai. This year I won't be coming back for the winter break - not because I don't want to but because I can't. A year has passed since my life changed irrevocably.

Wait, I'd like to say...my life changed irrevocably and turned on its head 360-degrees on December 2/3 2009. I just didn't know it yet. And that's a story for another post.
Edit: Realized "another post" was already here!
The Ego


One of the songs I'm really liking right now...upbeat, cute and full of love. Plus her voice is nice too! The cherry in the topping is that loads of the lines remind me of Po :)
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The Ego
...and when you sort of deal with one problem, in comes another.

Keeping my fingers crossed and hoping against hope is all I can do right now.
The Ego
A second is all it takes for all your hopes and dreams to come to a standstill. Frozen...in limbo. Waiting for the final decision.
The Ego
After this has happened many times with my gal pals... let me say, we know best.

One of my friends has a boyfriend, who, in my opninion is a liar, who is taking advantage of her naïve and trusting nature. She's an innocent woman who is very kind to everyone she knows. This little twat of hers has hidden a lot of things about himself which she found out by accident. Most recently, she found out that he's still a member of an online dating website and regularly gets messages from women who tell him he's always on their mind. When she asked him about it, he got defensive and said she's just a friend and he forgot he was a member of the website and how she's over-reacting and how everyone talks like that to their friends. And he kept persuading her again and again...and she's confused now and would like to give him the benefit of the doubt.

My advice: you'll be well rid of him.


Another friend has a girlfriend...whom I think might be a very nice girl. However, she's completely wrong for him. She's about 6 years older to him, which is fine...but that she wants to get married right away...which is ALSO fine but he's younger than I am, is penniless and is studying. She doesn't have enough money to support them both and he's not the sort to live on his wife's money...so he doesn't want to get married any time soon. Did I mention he's younger than me? The pressure has been on him for many months now and they're quite unhappy during those patches. He's even mentioned to me how he's seriously considered leaving because he thinks he will be happier without the pressure and she will be happier with someone who does want to get married soon. But they're still together. And now I have a sneaky suspicion she has a problem with my being friends with him.

My advice: I think she's a decent girl who wants something reasonable: marriage. But you can't give that to her any time soon, so both of you would be happier apart.


Yet another friend has the latest tosser in her long line of twats. This one is those self-obsessed whiners. If she's had a crisis/problem, he immediately gets upset, saying he's so upset because of her problem and by the end of his moaning, she's consoling him when it's her needing him taking care of her. And this happens so many times, it's not even funny. Plus he's an over-possessive, insecure person, so much so she has to hide parts of her life from him because of how he will react.

My advice: he's a whiner. Also, if you feel the need to hide things from him, things which are an important part of your life, then this relationship is not healthy.


Phew...I just had to let it all out. Seriously...if your best friend has a problem with your boy/girlfriend, they're almost always right.

Disclaimer: Check that your best friend doesn't have a personal grudge against your partner before dumping him/her. Although if said personal grudge reflects badly on the character of your partner, then you'd do well to listen.
The Ego
I know it's late, but I've only recently seen The Office (US version) ... and might I just say that I'm totally crushing on John Krasinki's character Jim Halpert (yes I know I'm not a teenager).

He's absolutely adorable and acts well of course. But as much as I would love to talk about his eyes-I-could-drown-in and hair-I'd-like-to-ruffle ... this isn't what this is about!

So initially, Pam doesn't know about Jim's interest in her. And she's engaged to Roy, a guy who works in Dunder Mifflin's warehouse.

Here's the thing: Roy and Pam are NOT suited to each other. That's what I want to talk about.

He doesn't like her talking about her day. He doesn't want her to study graphic design like she wants because he thinks it will be a waste of her time. He thinks that an amazing Valentine's Day present would be - in his words - "amazing s*x". Really Roy? REALLY?

Yes it's just a TV show and I'm sure the Roy's of the world are actually okay blokes, but the Roy's of the world are not suited to the Pam's of the world. And when he stopped her from doing what she really craved I just thought...BREAK IT OFF WITH ROY, PAM! Go to JIM! He actually likes talking to you and enjoys listening to you instead of wanting to just have s*x!

Problem with women is once they've committed, they're freaked out to end things if things are not working.

My advice to all the Pam's: Break it off if you're not happy. Roy isn't going to change.
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The Ego
Po and I have settled into this comfortable routine. We're a very connected couple. I've had people tell me it's weird that I talk to him so much...but to me, not talking to your partner for 2-3 days and not minding is weird.

Anyhoo, you'd think it'd be hard, me in the UK, him in Dubai. That's 4 hours difference at the moment.

What I wouldn't give for 4 hours.

Currently, Po is in India and we've been grappling with 5.5 hours for a while now. But as I was saying, we've settled into a routine of sorts. We've two scenarios, one where I'm employed and one where I'm not.

When I'm going to work (in the last month or two I've had internships) here's how it works. He wakes me up in the morning (We have Skype running 24/7) around 7am (12.30pm for him). I go to work usually around 9am and I'm back by 6pm. During that time, we're either emailing each other or sending texts whenever we get snatches of free time. After I'm back, I quickly catch up with him and if he's awake, I eat dinner with him around 6.30pm (midnight for him) and then he goes to sleep. When I head to bed, whether it's 10pm or midnight (3.30am or 5.30am), he wakes up for a bit, so we can go to sleep together. And the days go on like so.

When I'm not going to work/internships/whatchamacallit, it's more or less the same, except I manage to have lunch with him around 12.30pm/1pm (6-6.30pm for him). When he gets home from work (yes he works inspite of me being around on Skype :P), we watch TV together. I take off the headset on my laptop so he can hear what's playing on my side. We cue in a TV show and hit play; when it's synced, we either watch it with my side on loudspeaker and his on headset, or both of us headset-ting it if it's late and I don't want to disturb any of my flatmates. Then dinner, he sleeps, I wake him up, we sleep, and so on.

What's my point? Long-distance relationships don't have to be painful or a drag. Finding out what works for you as a couple can make it fun and satisfying. And to all those people who wonder how he gets any work done with me on a Skype call all the time...dude I'm not talking 24/7 and neither is he! I just enjoy having him around when I work and he does too. Sometimes if I'm working on an assignment or something, I'm quiet for a while, then say something or ask for an opinion. He does the same. We've learned the balance between work and giving time to each other and I'm thankful for that.

Although... I can't wait till February...when it becomes 4 hours again (he goes back to Dubai!). And by end of March, with the DST changes, it'll be 3 hours! YAY!

PS - As I typed this, he was sleeping. He's a cute sleeper...haha :D
The Ego
So if you know me personally, you will know that I am a terribly curious person. I always try to control it, but rarely ever does that will-power to not poke and pry work (perhaps a good thing considering my career choice!).

There's something I've been itching to do for a while. It involves me satisfying my curiosity about someone by learning more about his/her life before s/he met me. Thing is, I know that there will be some things that I might take umbrage to (I've always wanted to use that word in normal conversation!) but I still want to do it because I love knowing people inside-out.

I haven't yet done this deed. I read something somewhere about needing to trust and not tumbling out skeletons in the closet. But surely it's better if I connect with the person skeletons and all? Different people might have varying perspectives on this one.

To satisfy my curiosity or not to ... that is the question.
8
The Ego
Just a word of warning to people wanting to get into long-distance relationships: only do it if you're 100% certain about the relationship.

Don't get into it because you might be attracted, or you might be interested or he/she is hot. Seriously.

It's a lot of hard work and if you don't love the other person, it's going to crash and burn because the two of you will not be able to handle the additional pressures that come with the relationship.

Happy 8 months Po. I never thought long-distance relationships would ever be so easy.

I love you.
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The Ego
... since the incidents of 26/11 in Bombay.

Sometimes odd to think so much time has passed. I've been to the Taj recently...it's refurbished back to its original splendour. But the extra security reminds visitors of the bloody carnage 2 years ago.

So pointless. What did it...what does any bloody war like that achieve?

Broken hearts. Lost lives. Angry accusations. A string of 'what if's. An empty room. A still photograph. A memory. Hope cut off. Futility.

I wish courage for the bereaved families... 'tis always a hard thing to lose a loved one; harder still to lose them in a senseless brush with violence.
The Ego
As with Eminem's song featuring Rihanna, Love the Way You Lie having a sequel of sorts, the post I made a while back, The Fiery and Tempestuous. Love., had to have its own second part, non?

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes

Perfect. Love. Giddiness. Excitement. Devil may care. Throwing caution to the winds. Laughing in fate's face. Love.
It changes. You lied. You hurt. You tore me apart. I loved you.
A beautiful disaster ... you.


Now there's gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
In this tug of war, you'll always win
Even when I'm right
'Cause you feed me fables from your hand
With violent words and empty threats

Screams. Fights. Scraped knuckles. The walls have blood on them.
Don't hurt yourself, I half-cry, half-scream. Don't hurt yourself.
Apologies pour, but not from you. Somehow believing it's my fault.
"I'll leave you if you don't do this", "I'll hurt myself if you do that" ... violence and threats.
Don't let them be real.
Flashback to pain. Yours and mine.


Eminem:
Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
Run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy
Baby, without you, I'm nothing, I'm so lost, hug me
With you I'm in my fuckin' mind, without you, I'm out it

Come back. Please. "I hate you - you made me change who I really am."
Bitch. Me.
Don't touch me, he screams. You're dirty. Changes his mind: No, come back. Come back. I love you.
Do you really?
Said he can't make it without me.
Mad. Insane. Love. Obsession. Unhealthy. Love.


Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
The Ego
I have to tell you something.
What?
[ first break ]

I try not to be a hypocrite. I'm sure I might have been at some point or the other, but not intentionally. I firmly believe in the do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So it makes one feel like a terrible person...having an issue with her speaking to him.


Tell me when you speak to her or if she contacts you.
Okay.

Curiousity gets the better of me. Accessing other people's accounts is akin to eavesdropping - you hardly ever see good stuff in there.


Why didn't you tell me she contacted you???
[ second break ]

I'd have a massive problem if Dr Phd (new character in the BFE series!) would stop talking to me if his girlfriend took a dislike to me. I don't like him that way at all and she should know that. How fair is it for me to have done the same, or tried to do the same to someone else?


[ silence ]
The Ego
...or rather, from women to men.

I've had the opportunity to come across many women who send signals to men showing they're interested. Now the problem is, the women think the signals are crystal-clear and the men haven't a bloody clue. Sometimes these clues/signals/hints come in physical form, sometimes they're hidden (quite conspicuously according the the females) in the things they say or the way they behave.

So...how do you know if a woman is sending you a signal?
  • She constantly brushes your hand: I'm guilty of this one in the past. I didn't want to seem too physical, I didn't want to vocalize my interest, so when it came to a person who was already a friend (mind you, women do this even with men who aren't very good friends, so it's a no-brainer then!!!) I kept finding ways to brush against his hand or fingers with mine. He never got it.
  • She tells you to "change your Facebook/Twitter profile picture because" she "can't see your beautiful eyes in them". Ummm...she WANTS you. RAWR.
  • She constantly laughs at your jokes, however pathetic.
  • She asks you stupid questions about your car/favourite sport. Unless you know she has a history of interest in cars/sport (example, me asking cricket questions is NOT to be misconstrued as an expression of my deep desires), she's doing it because you need to think, "oh, we can have a conversation about my stuff too!"
  • She tells you, "After last night, I need a soap [in your room] with my name on it" (This really was said; not by me thank the stars). While 'last night' could be something as innocent as cleaning up the kitchen after a messy cooking session...soap in your bathroom? With her name on it? COME ON...how did you not see it?!
  • She suddenly disappears for a while from your chat/email/texting sessions, which will either result in two things. One, you will notice someone is missing and email/ping/text her to say, "Hey, where are you?" which will make her think, "YES HE LOVES ME!". Alternatively, you shrug and keep on with your life, and she'll ping/email/text you to say, "Haven't you noticed I'm gone? Don't you care about talking to me anymore?" Yeah, she lusts.
  • Alarming degree of emails/chat messages/texts at odd hours.
  • She complains: "Why are you deleting my posts from your Facebook wall? Don't deny you're doing it? Are you ashamed of me?!" Oh and does this about 2-3 times a week.
  • She tries to goad you constantly by talking about some other guy. "Oh yeah XYZ asked me to lunch/dinner/bowling ... I'm thinking of going?" And waits for you to say, "What? Why? Why him? Don't go!" but you might most likely go, "HAHAHAHA HIM? Have fun :D" or "Oh okay, have fun!"
  • She constantly asks you stupid favours which she can clearly do on her own.
  • She pushes for you to go for a movie together. Pushes. Constantly.
  • "How many children do you want?" She's thinking of having yours. Get with the programme.
  • She's not a fan of showing physical affection and plants a big one on your cheek/forehead. Note that if she aims for your mouth, there's no other way to interpret that. Then you're just stupid.
  • She says that if you two weren't such good friends, she'd fall for you. M'boy, she already has.
Please note that the woman has to exhibit two or more of these signals in conjunction for this list to hold accurate. I can ask male cousins how many children they want but it's not a sign of my incestuous love.
The Ego
Anyone else feel like their curiousity has gotten them into trouble or led them down paths they shouldn't have gone?

Sometimes I think I'm too curious for my own good.

* * * *

In other news, Jo and I are watching all the Harry Potter movies before we watch it on Friday. We're done with the third movie, with her exclaiming about how she hates JK Rowling for killing Lupin and Fred. Me, I was exclaiming about Snape.

* * * *

Eid Mubarak everyone...from the looks of it, I'll be celebrating as well. Jo and I might be heading to a fantastic Pakistani restaurant we found in the area. Yay!
The Ego
I have loads. Deciding to indulge here, in the hope they get exorcised! I fear that:
  • I'm not good enough, in general.
  • I'll die before my brother. I know this is hopefully a long way off, but I want to make sure I'm there for his entire life because there's no way in hell when I'm gone will anyone else look after him with love and understanding. No one. Also morbid because he's a good 9 years younger than me.
  • There's no afterlife. My mother, for example, has suffered enough in this life. I want there to be an afterlife for her to be happy in.
  • People will suddenly wake up and say, A journalist? YOU?! HAH.
  • I'll never have the answer to the question: "Is there a God?" I want to KNOW, one way or the other.
  • The love I had for over 3 years for someone was never enough for him. It hurts.
  • I won't ever be satisfied with anything.
Okay, enough for today!!!
The Ego
Uh no.

Anyway, what happened today:

There's a possibility I might get to write for a weddings magazine. Not a permanent thing though, but as a freelancer. Anyway, I figured that if they decide to commission me, I should know a bit more about their publication.

I realized though, that even though London is a busy, scurrying city, I didn't want anyone seeing I'd bought a wedding magazine. I'm not a bride! If I could've prevented the cashier from seeing which magazine I bought, I would!

So I walked into the store and bought a movie magazine I regularly do, then set about find the wedding mag that only to-be-brides buy. I spotted it on the top shelf.

What the hell is it doing there, I wondered. The top shelf is reserved for the Nuts and Zoos (that's ding-dongs and juicy-juicy mangoes to you) of the magazine world, not magazines about weddings (Although let's be fair, weddings do imply a certain element of ding dongs and mangoes).

I couldn't reach to the top shelf; the shop was crowded and all the shop staff were busy.

I gulped and jumped head-long into the pool of imagined embarrassment.

"Excuse me?" I said to a serious looking man next to me, looking at gadget magazines (Although a fair few of them have scantily-clad women on the cover).
"Could you possibly reach the top shelf?" as I vaguely pointed to the top shelf that even encompassed the Mango magazines on the side.
"Yes of course" he said, smiling at me.
Luckily, the lesbian magazine (yes, there's one and I must say, while there are two women on the cover in a state of nudity, the cover is quite sexy) was placed in a completely different area, so he realized I wanted the wedding magazines and not the mango ones.
"Do you want this one?" he asked point to one kind of wedding magazine.
"Uh, no the one to its left," I replied, unable to even squeak out its name.
He helpfully got it down for me.

I hid it under the movie magazine till I got to the check-out where I hoped the cashier would not notice what I was buying. He probably wouldn't have batted an eyelid if I bought Nuts though. Imagined embarrassment, as I said.

Now I have a magazine about weddings in my room. To hide it from my flatmates now...to hide it from them.
The Ego
Twitter.

I kid you not.

I used to scoff at people who met their significant others online. Now I've landed up doing it. But let's be fair, I'm not a fan of matrimonial web sites and Twitter is hardly that.

I got into the world of Twitter when I was at my last work placement in Dubai. It was interesting and catered to my narcissism, allowing me to talk about myself whenever I liked. It became more than that though. I started interacting with different people, talking about similar likes and interests, and eventually, thought of meeting them at tweetups (meetings where people of Twitter interact).

Anyway, I digress. While I was following people, I kept noticing Po's name coming up in tweets. Eventually I figured, what the hell...let me follow this guy whom everyone is tweeting to. In a truly childish way, I wanted the big guns of the Dubai twitterati to follow me. When I got the notification saying Po had followed me, I was elated.

That's all there was really. I'd moved to UK, I was in a long-distance relationship already. I hardly spoke to Po. But there were many lonely nights as my ex-boyfriend and I didn't get to speak that much online (to clarify, I was online 24-7) and I turned to Twitter...I would talk to whoever was tweeting late into the night and amuse myself. One night in November, Po tweeted something that resonated with me. I tweeted back...and in a couple hours, we were discussing his problems on Gchat.

We used to talk every day after that. In a couple weeks though, I started feeling uncomfortable. Why? Because I was too comfortable with him. I'm alright with having male friends, but I'd never experienced this level of understanding or comfort with any other guy. I already was with someone and even being such good friends with another guy ... well I thought my boyfriend would have a problem. I tried toning down my interactions with Po as much as possible.

After that I met him in December when I went back to Dubai. That's when I suffered the break-up blow. I didn't tell anyone about it though; I was too broken, too sad, and in fact, too ashamed. Ashamed because I didn't want to be one half of those failed relationships. Anyway, I think within two weeks or less of me returning to UK, Po guessed why I was always so sad. He became my rock. The person who could make me smile when I would cry over losing someone I'd been with for over 3 years. The person whom I'd turn to when I was awake and bored. The person whom I'd talk to for hours at end. My sunshine.

I didn't understand it. I was crying for one guy but so happy being with another. Madness. Flirtation was the order of the day. There was something, but there was nothing.

Not until I went back home around Easter.

Then there was everything.

And...that...my friends, is where Po came from. Twitter.
Labels: , 3 ego boost(s) | | edit post
The Ego
Why did I write the four-part series "What is Love"?

It certainly wasn't a story I meant to put out there. Believe it or not, I wrote Part 1 towards the end of November 2009 and saved it as a draft. In that version, I'd left CC getting off the plane in Dubai since I had no idea what was going to happen next. In this version, I've said for certain that it meant the end. Apart from that, I decided to omit one important line from the piece, only because I felt it was too ... haha... risqué!

There were no other parts at that point.

Why did I publish the post in September? I don't know. I guess I just felt like getting it out there. Like putting CC's story on record.

Once I published part 1, or rather, just before I hit 'publish', I thought: "If I read this somewhere, I'd want to know what happens next." That's when I decided to add the note that this would be continued.

Part two, three and four followed. It was a cathartic experience, although sometimes a painful one.

I can't continue writing more unless something further happens. CC is based on a real person...all the events in this series are very much real.

But for CC's sake, I hope she stays happy with iC and that there's no more reason for upheaval in her life. She's had a roller coaster year and would very much like a break from that.

And with that, the series is over.
The Ego
Note: The last one for now. If you'd like the back story, these are the links for Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3. I'll be posting soon about why this series was even written, and doing a short piece on another character in this series, who, in my opinion, wasn't given enough writing time. Thanks for reading.

The messages stopped for a while. CC thought she would have time to get over the pain and betrayal. She should've known better. Dexter kept coming back.

* * * * *

On one fine summer day, she received a deluge of texts from him. He said he was breaking down...he wanted a chance to explain himself.

The texts seemed frantic. Painful. He would never know how much it cost her to not reply to him. She was angry. She was betrayed. She was hurt. But she had loved him for more than 3 years. She hated what he had done, but she never wanted him to be in pain.

* * * * *

CC had an email address, where she would send emails to herself. All her frustrations during their 3-year-long relationship were poured into that inbox. Midway into her love with Dexter, she realized that sometimes, he didn't like what she had to say. But where to release her thoughts?

After she found out about FiFi...she deleted it in one fell swoop. Dexter found out.
He texted her: "I don't understand. Do you even remember us anymore?"

Too much Dexter...too much...it's why she needed to erase some things. She remembered them too much.

* * * * *

Then there was the box.
There was a package for CC in the mail. She hadn't ordered anything. What could it be and whom was it from?
Anonymous.
Inside...was a camera.

* * * * *

CC's camera had broken down a while back. iC and the rest of the world wasn't hearing the end of it. Her camera was so important to her and she couldn't use it anymore. Dexter had found out. She was sure of it. The note that came with the camera was not signed...but she knew it was him. It was the way it was written. She still knew him. She has spent 3 years with him; how could she not? "Little red one", he called her.

What was worse? That she wanted to keep the camera so badly, or that she knew she musn't.

Two days later, the box containing the camera and note, was sent back to Dubai. She needed a camera, but she wasn't going to take one from him.

* * * * *

CC started crying.

It had been 4 months since she found out about Dexter and FiFi. She hadn't cried since that night. Now she learned more about the knife he was piercing through her heart...slowly...since last year.

Dexter had said a lot of things about CC last year... that he didn't want to be with her anymore, that she wasn't the same person he wanted to be with... that he thought about other people when he was intimate with her.

And then... the blow fell. Dexter had tried to kiss FiFi...

CC's eyes were wet...she was angry. She was done.

She was wrong.

* * * * *

Dubai welcomed her again. The hot winds blew against her face. Her home was here. Personal tragedy had struck. But iC was there, supporting her...being there for her. She was happy with him. Content.

* * * * *

CC saw Dexter at an event. She knew he was going to be there. She went anyway.

iC asked her, "Are you going to be okay?"
CC replied, "Yes."

And she was.

There was one point when he was right next to her. There was one point when he was picking up packages that were in the seat next to her. There was one point where he tripped over her foot and he looked back. Her eyes met his for an instant.

CC thought, "Should I talk to him?" But she looked away... what could she say? She was worried she would make a scene, and she was not interested in doing that.

The moment passed and he left.

* * * * *

He texted her again...he said it was nice to see her.

You know what Dexter, she thought...it was nice to see you too. She hadn't seen him for 10 months...she saw him and realized she didn't love him anymore. CC thought, "I'm glad I saw him...now I know for sure there's nothing there." But she didn't hate him either.

It surprises everyone when she says that she doesn't hate him. She doesn't understand it either. Doesn't think she ever will.

* * * * *

What is love?

* * * * *
The Ego
I realized something was different when he kept calling me when I was on the train. His need to be with me was so intense...it was only 2 weeks after we got together. Within a few days of that, the l-word came into the picture. I said it first. He felt it first. 7 months later...here we are.

Happy 7 months Po!

Also, apologies for lack of a birthday post...it was Po's birthday last week but what with all the insane stuff going on at the same time, I was in no state to post then. In lieu of that, happy birthday on BFE, Po :)
The Ego
Dexter said he'll stop contacting her.
But he kept trying to talk to her.
"Give me a date or time or I'll be at your doorstep in the morning"

Hearing from him hurt so much. It burned at her throat. It constricted her chest. His betrayal stung. So much she thought she hated him. From the core of her heart, it was hate. How could she hate someone she loved with all her heart? The tears had gone. Silent rage prevailed.

* * * * *

She did something she thought she never could or would. Photographs - her love, her memories, her window to the past, her cherished photographs. Like a vengeful wraith, she cut away everything.
Delete.
Delete.
Delete.
Are you sure you want to delete these items, her laptop asked, as if daring her to keep them.
Yes.

She was sure.

Dexter wanted the pictures.
"Send me the pictures", he texted.
"They're all gone", she replied.

* * * * *

She met her "friend". The girl whom he cheated on her with. FiFi. CC wasn't planning on it. A few days after she landed, she found herself with two hours to kill. Right outside FiFi's workplace.
Madness prevailed and she called her up.
They ended up having lunch together...and skeletons fell out. FiFi said she was under the impression Dexter's relationship with CC was over. She said she urged Dexter to tell CC about her. She said she broke off all contact with him when things spiralled out of control.
CC forgave her.

* * * * *

iC kept meeting her. And one day, he kissed her. She couldn't believe it. How did this happen? Was she really moving on? She never thought it was possible.

She kissed him back.

* * * * *

Twitter. The new tech-kid to hit the world. Dexter used it. By the end of one afternoon, his tweets about cheating on her were read by many. Her inbox was flooded with messages from people asking if that really happened. Her house was visited by two Twitter friends who came to console her.

Her heart broke. Dexter was hurting her. So much.

Yet he sent her a text: "Don't hate me"

It was too late for that Dexter... it was too late.

* * * * *

"I want to see you", Dexter pleaded.
"Go away Dexter...you need to stop doing this"
He was camped outside her house. Begging. Pleading. Crying.

For a minute, she wanted to go out. Hearing him cry was hurting her; he just didn't know that. As far as he knew, she had turned to ice. But he could still touch her. His tears were piercing her. iC was with her then.
"Do you want to meet him?", iC asked. "I'll stay in while you go meet him alone, if you like."
She had to make a decision. He cheated on her. No matter how much she couldn't see him like this, a line was drawn.
"Go away Dexter. Go away."

* * * * *

"I was going to ask you out again!"
After all this Dexter, CC thought. After all THIS?

* * * * *

The texts didn't stop.
"Don't shut me out."
"You're everything."

Then why did you hurt me Dexter, CC thought.

More texts followed. Detailed. Hurtful. Painful. She cried. And got scared. And felt terrible. And felt angry.

How much more could she take?

* * * * *

She flew out of Dubai again. But it didn't end there. So much more was there to come.

- to be continued -
The Ego
A break from the "what is love" series...

Half a year has gone by...it seems so hard to believe. Oh there were never any doubts - this is meant for the long run. But it seems like only yesterday...

I know you've been overcoming obstacles professionally, so I forgive you for the delay...this time ;)

Happy 6 months.
Labels: , 4 ego boost(s) | | edit post
The Ego
"We're getting older. My parents might be looking for a girl for me soon."
Tears in the mall.
Dexter walked off. Then returned. "What if I did something? Something really bad that made you hate me?"
CC was puzzled. "What can you ever do to make me hate you? Why would you even hurt me?"

* * * * *

One last time. One last meeting. One last chance. Tears poured against a bare chest. What was she supposed to do?

* * * * *

Oddly enough, it was a dark and stormy night in Dubai. Lightning was hitting the Burj Khalifa and the skies were heavy and the roads flooded. She flew out that night, knowing it was over.
She spoke to Dexter after she landed. He knew why she called. "I know you're calling me just to hear my voice. I don't mind."
He had left voice mails on her phone when it was out of signal range. Listen, replay. Listen, replay. Listen, replay..................................

* * * * *

No one knew. She told no one. She felt ashamed...because she felt she had failed at it. She had failed at the relationship and that was why it had ended. After two weeks of tears, insomnia-filled nights and talking about Dexter to anyone who would listen, someone guessed. iC. He guessed Dexter wasn't CC's anymore. She had someone to talk to.

* * * * *

Dexter called one day to check up on her.
"I love you" slipped out of his mouth.
CC was silent. And then promptly started crying.
"Oh shit...CC I'm sorry"
She cut the call. It hurt too much to hear him say that.

* * * * *

It was snowing outside. She really wanted to hear Dexter's voice. The separation was hurting her too much. Forgetting the concept of time zones she called him.
"Why have you called me now? Have you any idea what the time is??? Do you know I'll get into trouble for getting a call at this time?"
She cut the call, and ran home in the blizzard outside. Tears weren't seen by anyone; only fools were out in this weather.
She reached home, and her phone rang.
Dexter? she hoped foolishly.
It was iC.
"You went offline suddenly...you seemed upset. Is everything okay?"
And then she cried. And talked. Two hours of an international call...just pouring her heart out. It was so broken. So afraid. And so alone.

* * * * *

CC talked even more at counselling. Her place to unload, her place to get suggestions from someone who didn't know her, who didn't know Dexter, who didn't have a personal interest in the situation. It helped. It helped ease her pain. It helped her to think of moving on.
iC helped. By letting her talk. And vent. And even cry.

* * * * *

What was happening? She still mourned for Dexter, still looked at all their photos tacked up to her cupboard, but...iC was making her laugh again. Was this normal? Was this wrong? And one day ... something clicked between them. CC didn't get it. Her heart sometimes ached for Dexter's attention, but basked in sunshine with iC. This was ... difficult.
Perhaps she was moving on? She had to tell Dexter. She owed him that much. She was returning to the sandlands soon. She would tell him face-to-face that she was interested in someone and it could go on to something more. She owed him that much.

* * * * *

It was the last day of her counselling sessions. Winter had moved to spring-ish weather. She was two days away from Dubai. Walking home with a spring in her step. She was going to see her friends again. Dexter! And...iC.
She got home and two hours later, her phone buzzed. A text message from Dexter. No...a confession. He was involved with someone emotionally while she was away last year. Just before they had broken up...and it had almost become a physical relationship with the other woman. He had even asked her out. While he was still with CC.
She was broken all over again.

* * * * *

Her flight landed in Dubai. And everything changed.

(to be continued)
The Ego
Note: Long post ahead...

He lay down on the cool tiles, his hands angled under his head, just relaxing... She sat a little way away from him, just looking out the windows. They hadn't been fully put in yet; it was almost as if they were in a dilapidated, ruined building. A few friends of theirs were scattered all over the empty room, just happy that classes were over for that day.

CC said, "Are you going for the party tomorrow night?"
He replied, "Yeah, I guess..."
"Shall we meet outside before we go in?"
"How does it matter?"
*silence*
She decides to shock him, provoke him into action. "I might come with someone else you know"
"Hmmm?"
"Dexter asked me to come with him"
His left eye pops open. "Come with him?"
"Yes"
He laughs. A lot. As if the thought is just so unimaginable.
She thinks, 'I obviously mean nothing'

Months later.

"Why did you go out with him?"
"How does it matter?"
*silence*
She said, "You're the fool for keeping quiet. I'm not for moving on"
And then he was left with wondering how it would have been.

* * * * * * *

He called CC as always. They spoke to each other on the phone a lot.
She said, "Dexter...how are you?"
He replied, "Fine"
"I saw the photos from last night... nice..."
"Yeah it was a lot of fun"
"Cool..."
"I have something to tell you" he says.
"Yeah?"
"I was holding her"
"What do you mean?"
"There were huge crowds around us and I wanted to protect her, so I kept my arms around her"
She doesn't take that very well.
He says: "You have no right to get upset or jealous. If you weren't ashamed to admit my existence then maybe I'd think about your feelings."

* * * * * * *

"I've had it with you and your friends. There are some people important in my life and now you're not one of them. I'm done. Goodbye" And with that, Dexter walked out.

* * * * * * *

"I love you"
"I love you too"

And back in later...

* * * * * * *

And he wrote: "I miss her...more than I thought I would and possibly should"
CC broke down. He wasn't talking about her.

* * * * * * *

"Would you stop over-reacting??? She's just a friend! Bloody hell, if this is how you're going to react, I'm tempted to stop telling you whenever I meet her!"

* * * * * * *

Months later.
Another phone call.
"CC...*laughs*... I was flirting with her!"
"Excuse me?"
"Yeah when I was out of town, we were sms'ing each other and I was just casually flirting with her"
"WTF does that mean?"
He told her...read out a sample sms, as if twisting the knife in her gut.
*silence*
CC slams the phone down. He, oddly enough, gets annoyed with her.
"What are you over-reacting for?" he asks. "Everyone flirts. Why the hell can't I? Anyway I didn't realize I was flirting with her...until later."
"Well, did you stop then?"
"No."
*silence*
A few hours later.
"I have something else to tell you"
Now what, she wonders. "I mentioned that she's the type of girl I'd like to marry one day, when my sister asked me what type of girl I'd like to end up with"
Why the fuck are you with me then, she wondered? Am I the cheap slut to gain thrills from?
Later, he said not.
"Did you ever think that maybe I flirted with her because I was missing you?"
She didn't understand that logic then. Still doesn't.

* * * * * * *

"I'm going soon", she said.
"I know...I'll miss you..."
She asked, "What do we do about...us? Do we end it?"
He stared back miserably... he did not know.

* * * * * * *

She left the country. He could not meet her... She saw him weeks before she left and not before.
He justified it. "It's just three months."
She did not like the sound of that.
Just a few days after she left, he found a way to meet his best friend. She did not like the thought of that.
"You're over-reacting", he said.
"Really Dexter? You hold her, you flirt with her and say you'd like to marry someone like her... and you think I am over-reacting?" she says.

* * * * * * *

She steps off the plane...back on her soil. What will happen next? He assured her before she returned that this trip did not mean the end.

Only it did.

(to be continued)
The Ego

BEHOLD! My new phone! The Sony Ericsson Xperia X10 Mini Pro (quite a mouthful eh?) in my favourite colour... RED!

My aunt bullied my father to buy it for me, so here it is. Plus, my cousin said he'd buy me a phone for Rakshabandhan but because he's so young (he's about 13 years younger!) and he'd saved up his pocket money for it, I bought the cheapest phone I could find in the store. I'm using that for my Dubai SIM and this red Android beauty is for my UK number, as I'll be there most of the year.

Wait till I post about my new camera...
The Ego
Back in Dubai and here for another two weeks before heading back to the Big Smoke.

I was supposed to be here for a month, but for the first week that was Dubai-scheduled, I ended up in India because my Dadi passed away. I was actually holding her hand as she passed away and it was an insanely emotional and busy week in India. I had to come back to Dubai at the end of one week for many reasons, or else I would've probably stayed till after the 13th day (as there are ceremonies and rites to be performed).

For the last week that I've been in Dubai I had to finish assignments I had taken extensions for as I had to travel to India at the time the submissions were due. Assignments all done, so I'm officially done with my Masters. Until my graduation ceremony and then I'll really be done.

Other than finishing work, been sleeping really ... not slept well for a month now due to many reasons, so it's catching up time. In addition, I've been having headaches for the last week so when I finally got a check-up done, apparently I have mild astigmatism, which is causing that. I have to make a lens change, so it should sort the headaches and eye-pain out.

Anyway, that's all for now. Will update soon.
The Ego
I have a few other posts itching to come out, but this one had to come out today. The others are slightly depressing so I figured a happy post before a spate of serious ones was in order.

I may have gotten all of 5 minutes with you today, but it still felt good. It may be 5 months since you made your move, but it doesn't feel as short as it sounds.

5 minutes, 5 months... numbers that all add up to eventual infinity.

Happy 5.
Labels: , 1 ego boost(s) | | edit post
The Ego
... one should not try to carry two suitcases, three handbags and a backpack. One will fall.

... one must try not to pack all of one's pajamas in the suitcase that goes into storage. One will be bereft of night wear for a few days.

... one must not stare at Amish people on the train.

... one should always talk to the taxi driver; he smiles and ends up handling your luggage with a smile and wishes you a good journey.

... one should remember to pack one's house slippers and not leave them lying about. One will end up stuffing them in the bag on top of one's clothes.

... one should always run into an angel who calls a cab company from his phone because the cab company one is calling has been engaged for 30-40 minutes.

... one should have a super friend in the second city who picks you up at the train station.

... one should have a Po to call when one is crying in the train because of circumstances that occurred before that.

... one must not lose a green sock.

... one must be calm. Not like Big Fat Ego, who has an inclination towards losing it.
The Ego
Just had a massive breakdown and ended up calling my Mom, blubbering on the phone asking her to come to me. Forget that fact she's in Dubai and I'm sitting in the UK.

Why was I crying as though I was intent on getting all my tears out? (The last time I cried like this was in ... March?)

Anyway ... the reason behind the tear-deluge was the fact that I didn't think I could pack all my things into the limited luggage I had with me and move to the Big Smoke. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of being alone and not having anyone to help me, the way many people I knew had been helped.

I'm one of the last people on the course who is still here, for a great many reasons, so I'm quite alone...

I think I might have to buy another suitcase tomorrow. Problem is...how I'm supposed to lug everything on my own?

Here's to not having another tear-jerker session.
The Ego
... before I finally move out of where I live at the moment.

I'm almost done with living where I do right now. It's exciting, yet scary...the thought of moving out that is.

Another work experience placement in the Big Smoke (that's London to you lot) and then back to my university city for a few days to hand in my dissertation. Then ... Dubai, I'll be coming back to you for a short while.

I've lived here for almost 11 months. It's become home for me. Who would've thunk this 12x12m room would become home? And who would've believed that I'd accumulate so much stuff in a span of under one year?

I've explored this city, although not as much as I should've. I've gone to brilliant places in the area and around. I've met amazing people through my course, in my flat, and at random events. I've learned a lot from superb tutors. I've laughed. I've cried. I've fallen down (literally; I fell down a slope in one of the mountain areas when I was on a hike). I've gotten up. This city has seen me through 11 months...through rain, snow, rain, rain, a sliver of sunshine and more rain.

I'll tell you this: I'm not looking forward to packing.
The Ego
... have been insane. In a good, stupendous and mesmerizing way.

That is all.
Labels: , 3 ego boost(s) | | edit post
The Ego
Remember this post? I said I had 3 blogs to contend with, and was contemplating another? Well in the time since then, I've started TWO MORE blogs.

Yes, two.

And guess what, I'm blogging regularly for all 5 blogs and none of the content overlaps. How cool is that?

And I'm busy getting Merits for all my modules, which, I think, is pretty decent!
The Ego
I have to move from where I live to London in a few weeks.

I have to come back from London to the city I'm currently in after that for one day to submit my dissertation because one of the group members doesn't know how to use the software that we were TAUGHT to use to submit the project.

I have to go back to London with the remainder of my luggage.

I have to leave my luggage with a friend when I come to Dubai for a well-deserved break.

I have to go back to London to my new flat and pay the rent/expenses/etc.

I have to find a job because the person who pays my bills isn't in the mood to do it for much longer.

All the moving problems, the job hunt and the money issues just makes my head hurt.
:(
The Ego
Not happy about something.
The Ego
Warning: this is a rant post

A while back, someone I knew - an acquaintance - from school and my Bachelor's degree contacted me for some info on universities in the UK, and as it turned out was mostly coming to the same university I'm in at the moment.

Which is fine, because I've talked to a few people after I moved here to tell them what it's like or to answer their questions.

But not when I get completely asinine ones.

I'm sorry but I'd expect some common sense from a person in their mid-20s, who has been working for a few years now. I was younger, both age-wise and common sense-wise, when I left Dubai to study here but even I didn't ask anyone such stupid questions. To me, it shows their mental level when ... argh!

It started with: how's the university, how's the city?
All valid questions, which I answered.

Accomodation costs? Living costs? Weather?
All valid again, but all this information is on the university website. Anyway, I answered again.

Where exactly do you stay BFE? What rent do you pay?
I stay in XYZ halls and I pay so-and-so amount every week. Okay, answered.

Now the weird part starts.

Do they give me blankets and utensils in the halls?
I'm sorry but did you want to go live in a boarding school? Even they don't give you utensils!

Shall I travel light?
I couldn't answer this. I just didn't.

Does xyz pounds for 2MB internet connection mean I get 2MB internet usage all year?
Yes, and you're expected to beg on the street for internet money because your 2MB usage gets over in 2 minutes anyway. They rip you off, the sneaky fellas.


When do we get the keys? The contract starts on XYZ date, it says.
Therefore you get the keys on XYZ date?

The contract ends in the month of Blah, and the course ends 2 months later. Do I pay extra for those 2 months?
Oh no, not at all. You stay for free and work as slave labour instead of rent. How I answered this without asking her if she had the mental age of a 5-year-old I don't know.

Goodness knows how people like this can survive on their own with their parents not looking after them. I'll be fair: I was nervous too as my biggest worry was: "Can I cook for myself?" I make excellent pasta and burritos (among other things) now, thank you very much.

Oh... and my question to someone I knew before I was coming here?: "Is there a parlour nearby that will thread my eyebrows?"
The Ego
I'm a dreamer...

... but this is starting to get ridiculous.

I've been dreaming A LOT lately. I normally dream when I'm stressed out (i.e. consecutive nights) but for the last two weeks, there have possibly been about 2-3 nights when I slept without any interference from the dream-fairies.

And there's almost always one common factor: a person. I keep seeing this particular person all the time. In every dream. If it's for a few seconds, or for the entire dream sequence. Sometimes the person appears in a threatening way, sometimes not.

I'm not sure what to make of it ... yes, they're just dreams, but... dreams are a part of our subconscious aren't they?

So why do I keep dreaming.............?
The Ego
Love can be so tempestuous...don't you think? Insane. Like a fire. So much like a roller-coaster. It's not easy to regain balance when you step off.

It burns bright and hot. Even when you douse the love...the ashes remain. And the mark always stays.

Recently discovered a song by Eminem and Rihanna called Love the Way You Lie. Feel free to Google it and listen to it on YouTube or something (don't think there's an official video out yet and I do try to not link to unofficial videos), but I'm going to stick in a few excerpts.

"Where you going? I'm leaving you.
No you ain't. Come back. We're running right back
Here we go again, it's so insane
'Cause when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman with the wind in his back
She's Lois Lane, but when it's bad, it's awful"

It's perfect. It's right. It's heady. You're giddy. Drunk on love. And then suddenly you're not. Something is wrong. You're crying. You think it's over. It's not. You run back.

Because you're in love.


"Baby, please come back, it wasn't you, Baby, it was me.
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time? There won't be no next time
I apologize, even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back. I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fuckin' leave again,
I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
I'm just gonna"

"It's not you, it's me." "No it's me" The carousel continues. Tempestuous...this relationship. Maybe you more than I. Maybe I more than you. Can't leave. It hurts to stretch away. Eventually leave. Try and cut the string when numb. You're telling me to come back. I hear the sincerity in your voice. But I can't do it again. I won't.

I love the way you lie...
The Ego
Big Fat Ego - that is me - has been busy :D

The work placement is going alright - I'm not just checking mailbags or making tea or doing photocopies, but I'm actually writing news nibs for the website of the publication I'm interning with. Which is absolutely brilliant.

The people are super-friendly and quite helpful if I have any questions.

Adding this publishing house to my CV is going to be ACE.
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The Ego
A friend just asked Po: "Happy three months; does it feel like three years yet?"

He replied: "Haha, it's both actually. It feels like I've known her for three years in the way we do our day-to-day thing and how much we know about each other? But relationship-wise, it feels like we started yesterday and are always so excited to get to know each other and go through that..."

And my friend just said to me: "You guys are the real fairytale"

Here's to more charmed glass slippers then :)
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The Ego
Many interesting (well, interesting to me anyway) topics to share with you!

I did it! I started another blog. Thanks to everyone who commented on my previous post on the same topic. Now I have this blog, my official blog and my photo blog. And I guest blog for Po. I'm pretty sure I can handle all 4... this should be fun!

In addition, something awesome is coming up for me in the next week: I have an internship coming up with a high-profile magazine in the UK and I'm part-excited and part-nervous. Wish me luck everyone; will be blogging from a different city next week :D

Another thing that has come to pass: this will be the last week I have with my flatmates as the rent contract comes to a close and everyone moves out. Going to miss two of them A LOT as they've really been there for me when it counted. I hope to keep in touch with them even after this week :)

One last thing: congratulations to Po. He has entered the civilized world and gotten a laptop which has an integrated webcam. Finally :P

And so ... all these things have finally come to pass :D
The Ego
It's been a year since my grandfather passed away.

Doesn't feel like a year, you know? It seems so recent. It still feels fresh. Isn't that odd?


The Ego
I know this is insane.

I have this blog.

I post to Po's blog.

I also have another blog under my real name, which is hosted on two different platforms.

That's three blogs, plus a duplicate, so four.

So why am I thinking of starting another one?!?!

Contemplating it seriously...
The Ego
What is the Tights Phenomenon?

It's rather odd but I think many people who come to the UK to study will leave with a changed fashion sense. One thing that many people imbibe is the culture of wearing tights. With anything and everything.

Loose, over-sized t-shirt? Wear those tights! Long top but not long enough to wear as-is? Wear those tights!

The last time I wore tights I was 11, big as a beached whale and had an atrocious sense of colour. Now, I'm 23, 14 kilos lighter since September 2009 and stick to colours I know look good after loads of experience. And now I wear tights.

The first time I wore tights was when I was in Dubai over Christmas and New Year holidays. Since then I haven't looked back. Before I came to the UK, I always wondered how people would walk outside in tights; didn't they feel shy? I must admit the first time I left my room in them and walked on the street, I was convinced people were staring at me and laughing or something.

Not true. People were looking, but they were not laughing. I think it depends on the confidence with which one should carry themselves, which I eventually learned to do.

It's the Tights Phenomenon. Now I'm thinking of getting coloured tights and moving on from my standard black tights. I'm immersing myself in the tights culture...Viva La Tights!
The Ego

Absolutely in love with this song. Completely. Irrevocably. Entirely.

"It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now."
The Ego
Right. Even though it's a long way away ... I've booked my ticket back to Dubai!

I won't be going for quite some time but the prices have been going up and I decided to book months in advance so as to avoid burning a hole in my - err...my father's - wallet!

Just so excited about it!!!
The Ego
"6 months of patience and understanding...
4 months of flirting and affection...
2 months of bottomless love...

...and you love me for the burrito?"

And on that cutesy note ... Happy 300th Post to Big Fat Ego!

Note: Po's recipe for burritos is truly divine though :D
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The Ego

I didn't step out of my flat today as I wasn't feeling well (all hail Panadol) but did ask my flat-mate who had gone downstairs to get me my favourite chocolate from the vending machine.

And it was SO GOOD.

Seriously, you want to make me smile? Give me TimeOut. I will love you for it :D
The Ego
Find the original blog post at Closed Eye's blog.

When I go to bed without talking to you...it just doesn't feel right.
Something or the other is missing.
Whispering to you with half closed eyes has it's own charm. I love to slowly give in to slumber while struggling to find the right words to answer you.
Silence with you is so comfortable.
I love to hear you breathe. Just the thought of you being on the other line of the call for me is enough to wrap my day with a smile.
But, when I don't get to hear you, it's just...autumn
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The Ego
"Do you want some orange juice?" he asked.
"No," she replied.

She stood at the French windows, gazing out into the bright courtyard through white gauze.

"Why don't you sit down?" he asked gently.

She wrung her hands silently. Making up her mind within seconds, she sat beside him.

After random spurts of stilted conversation, she animatedly said, "I wake up every morning at 7am and..."

...and he swooped in.
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The Ego
Right, apologies for not updating this blog lately. I've exams and portfolio submissions going on at the moment, which definitely makes it harder to blog about anything else other than my studies. I'll be relatively free towards to the end of this week, when I'm sure I'll be able to blog again!

Other than that, I've discovered a completely new area of the place I live in and even though I found it because I'd gone there to see if I could get my camera fixed (which as you know it can't be), it's absolutely brilliant. It's a long stretch of unending road with shops on either side which make me want to whip my wallet out. Looking forward to going back there soon!

See you after my exams!
The Ego
"Be yourself - everyone else is already taken." - Oscar Wilde

I was being interviewed today by a really good friend of mine from university for her individual writing project. She's doing a piece on inter-cultural and inter-religious relationships and asked if I'd speak to her about my experience. Fair enough, I said, I'd be glad to help out.

But this blog post is not exactly about that. Towards the end of the formal interview, she said something which interested me.

Rihanna (that's what I'm going to call her): You seem much happier now from last semester.
Me: Yes I am; that's true.
Rihanna: Yeah it shows ...
Me: Oh?
Rihanna: Yeah, you're much friendlier now.
Me: *open mouth* What? You mean I wasn't friendly before??? *aghast* I feel like I should apologize now to people :-/
Rihanna: Oh no, don't worry about it. It's just that people on our course have commented on how you've changed from last semester. You're just more open now.
Me: Oh...
Rihanna: Yeah, they now think that you're absolutely ace.

And the weirdest thing is, she isn't the first person to tell me this. Apparently until January I was masked in a way - reserved - and after that it's as if I've opened up emotionally and socially.

I suppose shedding off adjustments one has made over the last three years takes time. Looks like I'm back to being me.
The Ego
I own a Canon A720 IS. I love it. It's my pride and joy. Two weeks ago, I was taking pictures at a coffee shop when the camera slipped from my hand. And it fell. When the lens was open. Like it is in this picture. And the shutter broke in half...half of it is still missing. I couldn't find it anywhere no matter how hard I looked. I thought...well, okay, the shutter is missing but at least it's still taking pictures. Then I looked closely at the pictures when I transferred them to my laptop. Blurry. Even in Auto mode - they're blurry. Even with the flash, they're blurry. The camera just won't focus on anything anymore.

Today I finally journeyed to the only camera repair shop I found in the area where I live. They took a look at it and advised me to not spend money on repairs as it would cost the same as, or more than a new camera. I trooped out of the shop broken-hearted.

This camera has been with me for years and I trust it and love it sooo much. I don't like taking pictures anymore because when I look at the image on the screen, I see the quality and it just hurts.
I wanted to buy this phone (the SE Vivaz) for myself this year and was working towards a plan that would allow me to buy it in July or August. Now I'm not sure if I want to use the money I had allocated for the phone to go to a new camera. I wish I had the money to buy both, but I just have none.
It's a hard choice for me...to choose between a camera and a new cell-phone. On a split-second decision, I'd say the camera, but then I think...well the Vivaz has a good camera so if I take that, I can hold off on buying a new camera until I find something that satisfies me.

Hopefully, I'll figure out what I want to do ... just a few more months of dealing with a phone that's falling apart and a camera that fell.
The Ego
Inspired by another blogger (whom I cannot, and therefore will not, name here) who posted something along similar lines, I'm making a list of my own... These are a few of my favourite things about Po (there are 27 items on the list)... and in random order...


1. His ability to be sarcastic.
2. He loves sci-fi and law shows. And hey, he loves FRIENDS more than I do. A rare man to find.
3. The tone of his voice. Dulcet tones I call them!
4. As a corollary...the first time he woke me up in the morning, he thought I wouldn't like it because I never asked him to...but I did appreciate it! Who wouldn't want to hear that voice every morning? And now that's how I'm woken up. By him.
5. His amazing knowledge of cool technology - most of which he's introduced to me and I'm feeling like a kid in a candystore because of it!
6. His eyes. 'Nuff said.
7. The way he tells me he loves me.
8. The fact that he gets what I'm doing with my life - him being an ex-journalist of sorts helps!
9. His friendly nature - everyone can get along with him!
10. The ease with which he makes me smile. He truly is my sunshine.
11. The way he ALWAYS knows what I'm thinking.
12. The fact that I've been able to share everything about my life with him and he's accepted me, just the way I am.
13. He writes well. And often catches mistakes I've made in my writing! 'tis indeed a rare man who can do that.
14. HE CAN COOK. OMG.
15. I like how he tweets. Maybe.
16. He's a geek of sorts. I like.
17. He's always open and honest.
18. The man's got brains. I like that.
19. How he's so relaxed around me...his guard is down when we're alone and he does things or says things he wouldn't do in front of other people. Like sing.
20. He's patient. And very understanding.
21. The confidence with which he carries himself.
22. The way he looks at me when we're in public. It's this knowing look... sends shivers up my spine.
23. He never shuts me out. Ever. Even when he's upset. Or angry. Or annoyed. He always lets me in. And for that, I am so thankful.
24. His endless curiosity (currently he's badgering me, asking me what I'm doing. He is not stopping with the questions!!!)
25. His committment and drive in everything he does.
26. The way my hand fits in his...his are bigger and broader and it just looks right.
27. The way we fit together. In every way.

Okay. Enough. For today anyway!
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The Ego
I found this comic here.
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