When my bro was diagnosed with autism, it was a hard time for all of us. I think it took us some time before we could accept what was going on, what had changed us as a 'family' forever.
While we went through the usual stages of 'grief'...of denial, anger, depression and then finally acceptance... - as then we grieved for the boy we could have had - I am certain that not once did we ever wish this upon anyone else.
Except once... I did.
For the first and only time ... since my bro was diagnosed, did such a malignant, dirty and shameful thought enter my mind. There was once this baby whom I saw/met and I thought, 'How come this baby is 'normal'? Why do the parents get away with having such a child who doesn't have any problems? If the baby turned out to be autistic, then the parents, especially the mother, will know what we go through and she can suffer the way my mother has.' These thoughts came into my head unbidden, and I blame the fact that I consider the mother of the child to be a complete bitch and the very thought of her having a perfect and 'normal' baby was just too much for me to handle.
I honestly wish I hadn't thought such a thing, because to me, to have an autistic child is not easy and it essentially means (in my opinion) a loss of many lives. My bro's life is lost in a way, isn't it? Does he know what's happening around him? Is he aware of things all of us take for granted? Can he have a career? No... Can he have relationships? No. Children? No. My mother's life is wasted... her life means my brother. She has nothing of consequence, you could say, in her life but ensuring her child is taken care of and remains safe when she is not there. Me? My life is not wasted. I am not arrogant to think that I will not be able to do what I want because of my brother being autistic. At the end of it, and I do admit this, it's the mother who sacrifices everything for her young.
Also...the child in relation to which this nastiness in my head came about is not to blame for the mother being an absolute cow.
Wish I could take back the thought ... that I had never thought it at all. I feel guilty about it and I feel...dirty somehow.I never imagined I could be so vindictive, even if it was just in my mind.
Who's the bitch now, eh?
While we went through the usual stages of 'grief'...of denial, anger, depression and then finally acceptance... - as then we grieved for the boy we could have had - I am certain that not once did we ever wish this upon anyone else.
Except once... I did.
For the first and only time ... since my bro was diagnosed, did such a malignant, dirty and shameful thought enter my mind. There was once this baby whom I saw/met and I thought, 'How come this baby is 'normal'? Why do the parents get away with having such a child who doesn't have any problems? If the baby turned out to be autistic, then the parents, especially the mother, will know what we go through and she can suffer the way my mother has.' These thoughts came into my head unbidden, and I blame the fact that I consider the mother of the child to be a complete bitch and the very thought of her having a perfect and 'normal' baby was just too much for me to handle.
I honestly wish I hadn't thought such a thing, because to me, to have an autistic child is not easy and it essentially means (in my opinion) a loss of many lives. My bro's life is lost in a way, isn't it? Does he know what's happening around him? Is he aware of things all of us take for granted? Can he have a career? No... Can he have relationships? No. Children? No. My mother's life is wasted... her life means my brother. She has nothing of consequence, you could say, in her life but ensuring her child is taken care of and remains safe when she is not there. Me? My life is not wasted. I am not arrogant to think that I will not be able to do what I want because of my brother being autistic. At the end of it, and I do admit this, it's the mother who sacrifices everything for her young.
Also...the child in relation to which this nastiness in my head came about is not to blame for the mother being an absolute cow.
Wish I could take back the thought ... that I had never thought it at all. I feel guilty about it and I feel...dirty somehow.I never imagined I could be so vindictive, even if it was just in my mind.
Who's the bitch now, eh?
Don't worry too much about it...you're not a bad person and definitely not a bitch. Just one of those days...relax. A friend of mine told me once that he thought of strangling his kid when he didn't stop crying. And apparently he told me that most parents get that thought! You were woman enough to admit that the thought crossed your mind and that you're sorry bout it. Put it behind you and enjoy your weekend :) Have a good one! Bee D!
It's perfectly normal to feel that way...I have such thoughts in my mind every other day...Envy, Revenge, Hate etc...those are feelings you can't run away from...In my opinion, you should hold on to these feelings cause they will keep you running when everything else seems to fail!!!