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The Ego
The Ego
I don't think I've ever done this, but here's a link to a blog called 'Hours'... the link will take you directly to a particular post that, I felt, was written very well. I identify with it so much... I just wanted to share it with other people who haven't read his blog.
One of my most favourite lines from the post (although I actually love the entire thing):
My eyes aren't water retentive. And my heart isn't pain retentive.
I'll blog again soon when inspiration strikes!
Adios amigos.
The Ego
Remember my phobia?
I was on Orkut, and I got a message from someone (who remembers all those people, half of whom I can't really be bothered to talk to anyway and probably wouldn't have even remembered that they were in my life if it wasn't for these social networking sites?) directing me to the scrapbook of the Indian girl who died in Virginia Tech. Curious, I went there. There were over 31000 scraps (and now, about 4 hours after checking, it's over 34000) and first I thought, wow, she was popular. Then I checked them out and I realized there were over 5-10 scraps being made every minute along the lines of "RIP"... I didn't make a scrap...I didn't know what to write.
No, this post is not about her. It's not even about Virginia Tech. It's, selfishly enough, about me and my thoughts. And my phobia. It's just that she's gone. Along with those other people. Life is so fragile. It can snap out of your hands any minute. When I'm gone, what's the guarantee that anyone will remember me? Maybe for a few weeks, or months at most? Then, I'll be a fading memory. She might be remembered for a few weeks, and then she too will fade. Yes, people who knew her will remember her. But they too will stop thinking about her as much in time. Such is the way of life. Or death as it may be.
It's interesting to me... that when people die, their online accounts ... their membership in social networking sites... stay as they are. Eerily unchanging. Last year, a student died from my college...I remember after his death I went to his hi5 profile... there he was... frozen in cybertime. And here she is, so frozen.
Many people might think it's silly... everyone dies, don't they? Why be scared? Those who believe in Heaven and Hell or Nirvana or Paradise or whatever else may perhaps be better off than me. Even religion helps I suppose. Those who follow a religion might even say they're going to God. I don't, therefore I don't assume any such thing (I'm an agnostic... you got a problem with that?? And don't bother confusing me with an atheist).
I jokingly say I'll become a ghost and haunt people after my death; that's just to comfort myself that I'll still be around in some way or the other. No one seems to understand how I feel when I feel the phobia creeping up on me...but then again, that's probably because no one has been with me when I'm experiencing it ... The whole concept of "not existing"...freaks me out.
Seriously... sometimes I wonder what's the point ... of anything at all ...
The Ego
Okay, this is really annoying: I said I'm too busy to blog (TBTB) and then I get stuff to blog about! It's like when I say I'm not going to watch TV for a few hours but then I see that they're showing Gilmore Girls or Lost or LOTR or whatever else I like, so I end up watching anyway. It's like when I say I'm going to diet for the next week, but then Mum ends up making the best of her best food, so I end up eating anyway!

In any case...I'm feeling very proud of myself. Now, you must be thinking that I may never have a problem with pride (considering my ego), but seriously, for me, I'm proud of something I did. I think it shows that I've really moved on.
There's this person...whom I really cared for. I did everything possible for this person...but I was hurt; I was never given my due...I was always hurt and pushed aside sometimes for the supposedly "cooler people". I never really minded because I really loved this person. I never realized that I wasn't as important to this person as he/she was to me until after many years... Mind you, I'd still do whatever I can to help this person, but now I have my limits because I've realized that while I do have a certain value in this persons' life, it's not the same value that I've assigned to him/her. I'd help this person in whatever way I can, even after all the pain... but, this one thing I could not do. So today I was asked to "help" this person by lying. Now, I'm not a saint. I'm not above lies. My type of lies are usually the ones that protect people from getting hurt (if you hate lies, just condemn me already, but the remainder of the post might redeem me)... but this lie expected me to pretend to be someone I'm not and lie to authorities about something. I refused. I'd have never done this 4 years back...I would've succumbed to pressure and done whatever I was asked blindly. And if I'd somehow said no, my life would've been made miserable, and this person would've probably stopped talking to me or been outright rude and awful to me, and I suppose I would've cried loads. I'm not like that anymore.
To be honest, other than the fact that I thought it was a wrong thing to lie about, I also had no interest in getting caught and possibly getting in trouble. Anyways, after my refusal I got lines about how my honest attitude would not get me far in life.

I'm doing fine, thank you (I'm still feeling proud of myself!).
The Ego
(I know my previous post said TBTB, but...what can I say...a blogger is a blogger is a blogger!)

It's odd...I don't really understand it. I've come to realize that I get most angry with the people I love the most. But as soon as these people come in front of my eyes or I speak to them somehow, my anger evaporates. Even though I feel (or felt) that I have good cause to be angry...that my anger, my disappointment is justified... I can't stay that way with them for long. I'm quite a hopeless case really...I was worse before though: I used to get angry, then fight or shout or scream, then within a moment regret it and apologize like a groveling ninny. I've learned over the years that that makes no sense. So now when I get angry, I usually (not always mind you) wait...let it pass, so I don't make ridiculous statements that I regret. However, some things slip out now and then in anger...for which I get annoyed with myself. And then my anger evaporates... And then I apologize anyway for having said something stupid.

To get back to where I started: it's odd... how my anger evaporates very fast if you're someone whom I love. Don't take advantage of that.

Note: now REALLY... TBTB!!!
The Ego
This is just for people who might actually be reading my blog: Exams are starting next week so I probably won't blog for a bit, unless of course someone or something stirs up a sufficient maelstrom of emotions which inspires me to write...These exams are just for a week, but then the entire month of May I have more exams! However, after that I'll be free for 3-4 months... long holiday indeed.
I'll be back to blogging...soon enough... so if there are any people who do come back to this blog now and then to see what's up with the Big Fat Ego, never ego is too inflated to avoid writing about myself for long... hehe... :)
PS - TBTB means "too busy to blog" ... I saw this on some other blogs when I first started the bloggie scene... very useful...
The Ego
I have to study. But am I? No, I'm too distracted. When things happen...that makes me think. And I keep thinking. And then I think some more... I can't concentrate. Consequently, I can't study. I don't know what to do now. Talk to someone? Can't talk to anyone; some ppl are actually studying, why disturb them? And the one I want to talk to probably won't talk to me anyway. Listen to music like crazy? Something rock and gothic and dark and very depressing maybe. Write? Write what... depressing useless poems I suppose... My glasses have gone to the optician, so my head is already hurting. I haven't eaten all day. I wonder if I should give in and hog as I am wont to do. I don't want to think so much y'know. I wonder how to stop it. Am I sounding a bit mad? Perhaps I am. I feel that way anyway. I'm an emotional moron...really... and what use is that in this world? Nothing. Nothing at all.
See this for more info...

Ignore this rant... I had to remove it somewhere, considering I'm not talking to anyone.
DISCLAIMER: All opinions expressed on this blog are the bloggers private thoughts, not meant to cause harm. Take everything with a pinch of salt.