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The Ego
It seems December 31st can bring out the best ... or the worst in people.

I was in Karama this evening...my Mum and bro were in my car waiting for me while I was renting out a DVD (I took Night in the Museum with Ben Stiller...just finished watching it. Pretty good movie actually!) when my Mum called me. I was pretty surprised because she was right outside.
Here's a 99% accurate replay:
Mum: D, be careful when you come out side the rental store.
D (i.e. to say, me): Say wot?
Mum: There is a DRUNK guy outside our car...he almost slept on our car!!!
D: *shocked* Say wot?
Mum: HURRY UP!!!
So anyways, I hurried up and out and saw not a trace of any guy near my car, drunk or otherwise. It seems that while I was gone, a man came near the car and he was swaying and looking totally sloshed. Then he apparently leaned on MY CAR. Mum, of course, got a hearty shock and started honking for all she was worth. He was sloshed enough to NOT EVEN NOTICE the honking (I mean, I heard the honks all the way in the rental store) and then put his HANDS on my backseat window where my bro was sitting. My bro (here let me add, I don't know whether to be frustrated or just laugh because of what he did) got pretty excited. Let me explain why. Whenever he's going to school or wherever, I usually come out to say goodbye to him and then I put my hand on the window and he's understood that when I do that, he's got to put his hand also on the window to match where my hand exactly is. He must've figured it was time for the hand game coz he apparently put his hand where Mr Drunk's hand was! Sloshed and sozzled man was too sloshed and sozzled to realize this and THANKFULLY, at this juncture, some man from a cafeteria nearby hailed this man and started screaming at him and shooed him away. My bro was hence deprived of someone to play the hand game with. Thank heavens.
So much happens when I'm not there.

Jumping to another random track: I also saw Provoked today. Surprise, surprise...Aishwarya Rai didn't ham as usual! *shock* *horror* *gasp* I mean, face it...besides looking like a model, there's a limit to her "acting skills" (I still cringe at the 'Are you like, checking me out?' line from Dhoom:2). The movie itself was thought-provoking. It highlighted many aspects of physical and other types of abuse... the fact that subcontinental women are made to 'toe the line' in the name of honour and family while the man can go sow his wild oats ... the fact that women go to any length to hide their abuse from others for a variety of reasons ... all in all, I enjoyed that movie.

Oh and I went to MOE after that drunken episode...what's with the naked women over there??? Okay, not completely naked of course...but... there was this lady whom I'm PRETTY sure was wearing just a upper-thigh length black trench coat and NOTHING underneath. She was followed by contestant number two who looked like she was wearing a silky negligee also of upper-thigh length. If I'd stayed along longer, I would've probably found more contenders for the Who-Can-Be-Almost-Naked-And-Get-Away-With-It title.

Ah well ... end of another year... Happy 2008 in advance to everyone ... :)
The Ego
So my lil' car had to get its alignment fixed for which I had to go all the way to Ras Al Khor to the service centre there. I'd gone with my father the day we gave the car and the next day I'd gone with Mum to collect the car. The man who took the car and made a file on it etcetera again met with us to explain what had to be done with Bluebell (my car).

Here's the shock, horror and gasping part:
I'm waiting at his desk for him to give me the receipt to sign and all that (coz I'd signed for it the day before) when he looks at me and says, "Can you call your husband, I'll give him the number?"
I said, "Who?"
He said, "Your husband, your husband...call your husband"
I gave my best bitchy and arrogant look I could muster and said, "You mean my father"
Now it was his turn to look blank and say, "Your...?"
I said, "My father, MY FATHER. That's my mother, his WIFE (here I gestured toward Mum). I'm the daughter", with my bitchy look still intact.
He looked suitably embarrassed and didn't bother to ask me to call my father after that. Mum of course couldn't stop laughing.

My parents are in their late 40s. I am 20. HOW on earth can anyone think I'm married, that too to a man old enough to be my father...well, he is my father, but you get my point. Either I look way older (which I don't think I do) or my father looks way younger (well he doesn't look as old as he is but definitely not young enough to be a 20 year old woman's husband) OR the man thought I was pushed into child marriage or something. I don't know... all I know is, I called in my bitchy powers to look as, well...as bitchy as possible.

Mum ... stop laughing.
The Ego
I walked across the room when I recognized a familiar face. I shook his hand and said the usual hi-how are you's when suddenly... he leaned forward, pulled me toward him... and...

...moved to my right and air-kissed me, then moved to my left cheek and air-kissed me there.
I was stunned. After avoiding the dreaded double-kiss that haunts social gatherings for so many years since 2003, I got caught (this happened at the DIFF volunteer party).

I first noticed it amongst my classmates in 11th grade...whenever they entered class and spotted their dearly beloved friends, they'd hug and double kiss with great affectations and I literally puked. Any old classmates who used to and still do this...I am not judging you, all I'm saying is...it's stupid in my opinion and I don't like it and PUHLEEZZZ anyone whom I know reading this...don't make me do it. I will hug you if you want, but I will NOT do the double-kiss *muah* *muah* thing. And can you imagine, I have seen, or rather heard, girls actually making the *muah* sound while carrying out this ABSURD social ritual. I avoided it with my classmates though...you see, I clearly remember, that one time, as one of them moved in for the kill, or rather, my cheek, I halted them quite rudely and said, "Don't do the cheek kissing thing with me" and while it worked, it hardly endeared me to anyone who patroned the double-kiss.

I unfortunately was forced to do it again today. This girl leaned in for the kill (I mean, my cheeks) and I just moved my face in the expected motions while all the time looking terribly aghast at my state. I wasn't sure if I should be rude to her and create a scene especially since I'm not too close to her.

I MUST start being rude again like I was to my air-kissing classmates... I cannot have anyone pretending to be kissing my cheeks again... it's too fake... highly pretentious and I feel terribly stupid doing it. Again, shake my hand, hug me, even ignore me if you must...but DO NOT DO THIS TO ME!
The Ego
Day 2 was actually Tuesday...but am a bit late in blogging. Nevertheless, my observations from that day:

- The return of uber-cute guy. According to Stained, I hit on him. Big Time. Most interesting. I didn't even know I was doing that and honestly speaking, I didn't even want to!!! Yeah he was cute and all that, but I'm not a hitter. But apparently I am. There was a bit of a rush that day and he was stuck in the line for about half an hour and I didn't move more than a foot away from where he was. And I was talking to him. And I know where he lives. And he's kind of from my community. Oh and did I mention I now suspect this uber-cute guy might be gay (I am led into suspecting this because of the highly touchy-feely actions of the man with him)? So now everyone who knows the details had an amazing time laughing at how I was hitting (unintentionally) on the hot gay(?) guy. My Mum almost rolled off her bed laughing. I love entertaining people.

- That day there was a rush coz well...the systems were down! Etisalat was not working or something...the internet wasn't accessible leading to a LOT of angry customers who decided that I, along with the other volunteers were to blame for Etisalat's internet no-show. I have never had so many people shout at me in one day!!!

- There was this ADORABLE older couple who came by. I went up to them and asked if they needed any help and the older man (like a cuddly old grandfather) said, "Well yes you can! I'd like two Irish coffees, some muffins and oh, could you give me two shots of Baileys?" and all in this in a very jovial voice. I giggled and said no while his wife (a cuddly hot grandmother) looked on. Turned out they wanted to collect their tickets ... but they were so cute and so much in love. It was terribly adorable.

- I LOVED working there. Yes yes, I was only volunteering and no, I wasn't getting paid, but it was amazing dealing with people and observing them. We had a few return visitors like the sweet old band of ladies and the grumpy girl and the man-who-hooked-up-with-the-lady-next-to-him (aaawww...DIFF brings people together!!!) and many others. Some of them recognized us (i.e. Stained and I) which was honestly gratifying...that people remembered us and didn't throw harmful objects at us. Hehe... Of course, there was the return of the girls-who-work-for-6hrs-in-towering-heels-and-don't-die-at-the-end ... I still find that fascinating. Not to mention ridiculous.

- Our supervising staff member took our names (Stained and mine) down when we were leaving and told him it was our last shift! Oooohhh... hope it's a good thing!!!

* * * *
I went for Loins of Punjab Presents yesterday. The director of the movie, Manish Acharya and Shabana Azmi came at the end. The movie was fun. Lots of 18+ jokes and all that (but what was 18+ before is now known to 10 year olds so ...hmmm), but it was very amusing. I was laughing a lot throughout the movie especially at the Gujju family, considering I know their habits oh-so-well ... haha... they were a treat to watch. Nice movie ... (Stained, remember the guy checking out the hotel bed??? Hahahahaha...)

All in all, I had fun at DIFF ... a few more days to go!!! :D
The Ego
I'm volunteering for DIFF. So if you see a girl with a mass of curls down her back at MOE, then it's probably me. You can wave if you want. :P I, however, might forget that I asked people to wave so I might probably think you're a lunatic. So on second thoughts, don't wave.

Anyways, a few things I want to share with whoever views this blog:

- I cannot do justice to this post without mentioning the uber-cute guy I met there. I would've drooled if I could. He stopped in the box office line and then turned his hot face at me and asked me about the catalogue. Omg, we were bantering. Me!!! With an uber-cute guy!!! Aaaaahhh... I will always remember you uber-cute guy... *sigh*

- The people in general were interesting. Some were extremely accommodating while some were at the other end of being terribly rude and bitchy. But I MUST mention this group of older ladies in a group watching movies back-to-back. They were sooooo sweet!!! They seemed mildly embarrassed that I overheard their plans to see Loins of Punjab ... but then I told them I wanted to watch it too!!! :)

- I have never encountered so many old lecherous men. Enough said.

- The other volunteers were a sight in themselves. Quite a few of them were high school kids. I can honestly say I NEVER looked like that in school. The girls were perfectly coiffed, with hairdos ranging from blowdried straight hairdos to blowdried curls to ... ah well, you get the point. Oh and their jewellery. Oh and the goo (read:make-up) they'd slapped on their faces. And one amazing specimen had worn heels. For a 6 hour shift which involves only standing up and walking around. Bless her sole (Pun intended). The guys were another story... ridiculous peacocks strutting around. What is the next generation coming to? I already have a generation gap with people 2-4 years my junior.

Ah well ... here's to another day of standing for 6 hours!!!
The Ego
Well, not a broken heart really but it makes for a more dramatic title and since we all know that that's what I am: dramatic ... you'll forgive me.

You know what I hate? People who promise something and you think you can trust them enough to keep that promise and then they go trashing it all over the place. Why make a promise...a serious promise...that you don't plan on keeping??? It hurts me especially when the promise-breaker is someone I care about.
Breaking the promise made just makes me wonder why I still give a fuck.



I'm like that I guess... it's like family: you can afford to screw up in front of your parents coz you know at the end of it all, they're still gonna be there for you (Well at least I know that with mine...don't know about other families). In the same way, some people test my commitment to stay.
I just want to warn them: don't push it. Even I have a breaking point. I reached it with someone (even though it took years to break, I eventually did in that case) and now I feel mildly numb about that person ... almost indifference. And I think, very truly, that indifference, not hate, is the opposite of love... because then you have no feelings at all. I'm not saying a broken promise can make me leave...if that was the case, my past would be littered with discarded 'friends'. I'm saying everything put together...well...I mean, if everything piles up and I reach my limit of patience, who knows?
Don't push it.
The Ego
I can't believe I found this ... anyways, I must've written this when I was 17 or 18... Anyways, here it is (forgive its crappiness...take into account my age when I wrote it... although I still cringe at the trauma-panorama bit... quite horrendous wot?) :

Blissful Pain
The burning question on her mind,
"Should I tell him, should I not?"
Is it worth the risk
to change the equation of this friendship?
To bring the truth out in the open,
is there no other solution?
She wasted a year, pining, and,
driving everyone up the wall.
Trying so hard to make that moment stall,
And when that moment came and passed,
She used 'indifference' as her mask.
But one day her mask fell apart,
And the tears dropped from her heart,
Forward the button of time,
And all the wounds were healed.
She looked back and laughed,
At what she thought was the end.
Laughter and pain comes and goes,
And although pain gives a lot of trauma,
It is through pain that we know,
That the view of happiness is true panorama.
100
The Ego
Well it's my 100th post. And about time. Considering it's over a year that I started blogging.
I didn't have anything that I wanted to blog about as my 100th post, so I thought I'd pen down why I started blogging in the first place.
Last year in August, when I was interning at Emirates Evening Post (yes yes I know it shut down) I came across the UAECommunity blog because of some story...can't quite remember what it was but from then on I'd return there to read what other people in the UAE had to say about many issues. Then there was the BITS-Pilani story (to refresh your memory, one BITS student blogged about his days in the college and it was frowned down upon and he was forced (?) to close his blog down amidst other stories of rampant ragging) that brought the spotlight on blogs and freedom of speech. Since then I began toying with the idea of having my own blog. I already had a diary and continue to keep one (however sporadically right now) but the idea of having my own space on the internet for people to come by and share my thoughts was intriguing. And so, Big Fat Ego was born.
However, I'd like to tell people that even before this blog, I started my own website in 2004 and forgot about it in a few months only to be reminded of it again later a few months back by kazz who found it, of all the places, on GoogleSearch (I cringe when I see that website now...I wonder if it's been closed down due to inactivity...hmmm). So you see... I was no stranger to having my own internet space. Only this time, it's for keeps. :)
The Ego
Well, very oddly, another post regarding cars (Oh I went to the Dubai Motor Show on Saturday...so many cool cars! Plus I got to sit in my all-time favourite, the Z350!!!) ...
So there's this person: ABC. Whenever I sit with him while he is driving, I am truly in mortal fear. Every time I sit in the car, I think, Are we going to crash today? I mean, his driving isn't bad...there's a lot of control, I'll grant him that. Plus he's experienced, so it's not like I'm sitting with a one-day old licensed driver or something. But like a TYPICAL male, if someone overtakes him...ZOOOM he goes, accelerating and chasing the offending car. Which is really ridiculous especially when he's pitting his car against much faster ones. And lately, he's taken to sudden braking. He brakes SO close to the car ahead and cuts so fine... I'm scared we'll hit the car in front or/and the car at the side. Very rash driving...
(The only reason I'm not naming ABC is so the guys I do know can wonder if I'm criticizing them or someone else... hehe :p)
Oooohhh... am closer to my 100th post than ever!!! Yay for me! Yay for Big Fat Ego!
The Ego
Bluebell (my car) will mostly be back sometime early next week. Yay!
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I've only just realized that my exams are around the corner i.e. next week. This time, I've put off my studying spree too late by my standards. I mean, before college, I used to study a month or two in advance. By and by, that time slowly reduced. Of course, for my finals I always prepare WAAAY in advance, but for these internals...hehe...
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Gems from one of my lecturers:
Students: On the final grading sheet, will you be converting our marks on the 50-mark test into percentages?
Teacher: No, I will only multiply your marks into 2.
Students: Isn't that percentage? [coz for example, (40/50)*100 is the same as multiplying 40 by 2]
Teacher: No it's slightly different.

Precisely how is it different???
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When someone you knew superficially (i.e. basics about the person and hi-bye-how are you etc) does something in front of you he/she has never done before and you know it's something he/she would do only if he/she thought you were a friend (like cry or share a HUGE secret or something) ... it's an odd yet humbling experience. I suppose, i.e. if you don't doubt the integrity of that person, that's when you know that someone considers you a friend.
---------------------------

The Ego
Well ... Me, Mum and my bro had gone to pick up her car (a Sportage) that I'd given for service according to the previous post. I was driving my Bluebell (Getz) to the service centre on the SZR. As I was taking the right to the service road just after the MOE interchange, I slowed down as there was slight traffic in front. I gradually came to a complete stop and... in about 2-3 seconds, there was a HUGE crash and BANG noise and my car moved slightly forward. Luckily I didn't take my foot off the brake which prevented me from hitting the car in front. I whipped my head around and saw a maroon pickup truck had banged into us. I pulled the handbrake up and started screaming, "What the f*** do you think you're doing?" before abruptly stopping my tirade after I realized Mum was sitting next to me. Thankfully, instead of getting mad about my colourful French, she just said, don't shout D. As soon as I got out of my car, I forgot all about shouting at that idiot truck driver who must've been doing 80kmh AT LEAST (Stained, although not at the accident claims the speed couldn't have been more than 40kmh ... while I'm willing to bring it down to maybe 60kmh... but anyways) when he hit me...and realized the entire glass of the hatchback had shattered and some of it was on the backseat... where my bro was. I opened the door and un-seatbelted him and pulled him and brushed tiny pieces off him and off the seat... and when I saw the abject fear in his eyes which caused him to actually pull away from me in fright, I started crying. I don't know...the thought that he could be hurt plus seeing how scared he was...it upset me. I stopped crying eventually after I saw him return back to normal.
Luckily for us, a police 4WD was parked right next to the scene of the accident, so we didn't have to wait. They were really nice...even shook my bro's hand twice. So I got the green slip and the truck driver got the pink one. We drove the car to the service centre and picked up the Sportage. Mum and my bro got into the Sportage and I had to drive the Getz home. By then Stained had reached the scene. Before I could leave that place though, I had to answer many inquisitive employees of the service centre, one of whom even opened the passenger door in the front, poked his head in and asked me what happened!!!
The drive back was okay. I was driving on 80kmh on the Emirates Road...scandalous (for me anyway)! But I could hear sooooo much noise from the road outside, I had to crank up the radio volume to hear properly.
After we got home, Stained and I taped off the back of the Getz with plastic. It's sitting in my house garage... waiting to be fixed.
Am attaching a picture of the car after the accident. And no, that's not my real numberplate. I just felt uncomfortable about showing random online people my car's numberplate, so I edited the pic and superimposed the image of the numberplate I got on my 19th birthday from kazz. I honestly have this very red numberplate sitting in my house right now ...

*sigh* Hope I get my baby Bluebell back soon.
The Ego
Just two random incidents this morning...

When I went to give my car for service, there was an Arab in front of me wearing a kandoora. Now all was well and good until he turned around and I got a full view of the baseball cap he was wearing. It was BLING to the extreme of bling! I was dazzled by it's blinginess and wished I had my shades to protect my eyes from the shiny shiny shiny thingies stuck to it. If it wasn't enough for me to see weird bling in college... now I start seeing it other places also!

On my way back home (after the car went to the service garage and all that), I saw something else which felt very bizarre, at least to me. Maybe others have seen this sort of thing, but I have not. The roads towards my home are littered with speed breakers (or informally: 'humps'. I must stop here and give a tribute to my friend Choo who came up with "How are my humps?" while driving in my area... :D) and so people don't go too fast (unless they're 4WDs or speed freaks). I saw a purple Peugeot coming in the opposite lane with its hazard lights on. The car was meandering on the road coming onto our side of the road occasionally like he/she was drunk. When it passed, I saw... a guy in the drivers seat with a cigarette drooping from his lips...and he was sleeping! I mean, if he was going to sleep in the car, why get out of the house in the first place??? And to top it off, it looked like he knew he'd sleep off and so put his hazard lights on... Weird people.
The Ego
Well no, I'm not about to start blabbering to my alter ego and go all "My precioussssssssssss", but what inspired this post is a man. A man whose name I don't know. A man at whom I stare, literally gawk at, every time I see him in my college.
Why do I indulge in such freakish stalker-ish behaviour?
Is he hot?
No.
Does he have a skin problem?
Not at all.
Do I *like* this guy?
NOOO!!! *puke* *puke*
So what is it then?

He looks like Gollum.
No seriously... the actor Andy Serkis who played Gollum/Smeagol in the LOTR series (fantastic movies btw)... he looks like him. I can only think of Gollum when I see this guy.
Most odd.

The Ego
Saawariya was very white, blue and green. Ranbir Kapoor looks cute and can act. Wow. But if you're going for any other reason than gaping at Ranbir's cuteness, don't go to the theatre...
* * * * *
Driving a 4WD (even if it's just a 2.0) can be satisfying. Can't wait till tomorrow.
* * * * *
Rebelling is fun. Especially if you're doing it to prove a point. I can only hope I can go through with it. I don't see why I should put up with this anymore. I've had people tell me to try and fix it... let me just say, it's not worth fixing. It's just a lie...a sham... at the end of it, it's just a matter of convenience to stick to what you have because changing it is too troublesome. It's not worth even trying to fix. I say leave. I say leave this shit... leave the humiliation, leave the pain of being forced into something for the sake of others... leave... I don't mind if you leave. Can't you see you'll be happier??? We all bloody well will be. How much more of superficial and useless threats can people put up with? You'll leave us on the streets, you said? Fucking hell, we have people to pick us off it. You can rot in your hell alone.
* * * * *
I'm taking many pictures nowadays. Maybe I'm scared of forgetting what happened in my life... especially considering I haven't written in my diary for a while. Or maybe I just like looking at myself. I suspect it's the latter.
* * * * *
Au revoir mes amis... je veux une peu de paix... I don't know if I can get it right now... Zut.
The Ego
I don't know why... but this wallpaper (for my cellphone) drew me to it, so am just posting it here.

The Ego
It's been quite odd... in the last two weeks I've noticed 2-3 cars, or rather, the drivers of said cars being exceptionally challenged when it comes to indicators. This special breed of driver does give his/her indicator, bless them, but it makes no difference since it seems to be the opposite of where they are going.
Once when I was approaching the SZR, I noticed a 4WD (could've been a VW or a Porsche...it was dark, forgive me for not noticing) which was going quite fast giving the left indicator. Surprise, surprise, it overtook me and while still giving the left indicator, went right. He/she doesn't seem to the basics of right and left quite mastered yet.
Another day, between the 2nd and 3rd interchange, one little hatchback did the same thing... (no not me... another car!!!)
I mean, before I complained about cars not giving indicators... now they seem to be giving them but not really following them... *sigh*
Ah well ...
Drive safely everyone :)
The Ego
I didn't notice this until today. I finally managed to persuade my Mum to watch this movie (late I know, I know) and while one ticket gives the regular Dhs 30/- price, I just saw that the other one says Dhs 330/-

Most expensive movie ticket I've ever seen...
The Ego















Ducks!!! They were so cute... when they came in my path, they waddled off quickly into the water... :D
The Ego
You know what? The current spate of serials on Zee TV, Star Plus, Sony etc etc give me a headache. Seriously.
My grandmother has either the TV or the radio to entertain her throughout the day, and most of the time that I am there, she's watching one of these channels. Which is great...I mean, as long as she's happy. I, however, ensure that I take along something to read or listen to coz the times that I didn't have a book or music and wound up watching those serials for lack of anything else to do, I got a headache.
Those inane serials show the most stupid things like the women of the house always looking immaculate in heavy saris and a ton of makeup and jewelery YET somehow managing to do all the housework without breaking a sweat. Superwomen wot? Other weird things are the aunts and grandmothers looking as young as or even younger than their nieces/nephews and grandchildren, the vamp of the story wearing scary looking makeup, people dying then coming back to life then dying again then coming back with a new face and body structure, women sleeping in aforementioned heavy saris and makeup (only a FEW serials at least show them wearing robes or something less odd to bed), young girls saying their aim in life is to get an education and then just as promptly getting married and having a family with all plans of an education forgotten. There are more weird things...I just can't list them all.
It all started with the "K" serials methinks... *sigh*
All hail the 200+ year old Ba.
The Ego
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday, dear Big Fat Ego
Happy Birthday to me!
May I blog forever more
May I blog forever more
Happy Birthday dear Big Fat Ego
Happy Birthday to meeee!!!

One year ago I started blogging... it's been fun and I don't want to stop anytime soon!!! YAY!!!
The blog is one year old :)
Whoopee!
The Ego
My grandfather returned from Singapore on Friday and then only did I return home after spending the week with my grandmother and stealing WiFi.
I came home with a new perfume (YAY!) and... 3 boxes of liquor chocolates. Bless my grandfather. The most intriguing box was this one you can see here... with the chocolates in the shape of the bottles (Yes, I can see two are missing; methinks my father has already started on them).
I haven't had any yet...I think I'd feel SO GUILTY for eating them coz they look SO CUTE!!!

Hmmmm... cuteness be damned. Can't have my father and mother having them all with none left for me!
The Ego
I was in Baby Shop today. Yesterday. Well, however you want to see it. Basically, I was in Baby Shop a few hours back which technically falls into 'yesterday' but is still 'today' for me because... ah well, you get my point. Anyways, I was there and while I was searching for some stuff for my cousins and getting tempted to buy kid stuff for myself to play with, one tiny kid passed me by followed by his parents. He must've been anywhere between 3-5 years (I'm sorry, I'm quite hopeless guessing accurate ages since my 11 year old brother is already 5 feet plus, so I'm very bad at guessing ages via height) and he said, "Mama, I want to buy some loins" ... and his Mum said, "Yes yes, we'll buy you some lions" and then the kid said, "Yes Mama, LOIIINSSSS"
I started laughing before making my way to the Barbie section.
The Ego
We all know what the 'F' word is... the 'C' word is more dreadful: Cancer. I guess regular readers would know my relationship with autism. But perhaps not many know about my relationship with cancer.
Last night I found out that a sixth person from my family (dad's side) was diagnosed with cancer. To my knowledge, five people before that have been diagnosed with some form of cancer and four of them died because of it (there might be more for all I know). My paternal grandfather died of lung cancer (he died a year before my brother and cousin sister were born...kinda sad coz I was his only grandchild and if he'd lived another year, he'd have had two more). His two sisters died of breast cancer (one died before I was born and one died a few years back). My aunt (a cousin of my dad) died of breast cancer (her mother was one the breast cancer victims who died a few years back) leaving her baby girl behind. Another aunt got breast cancer and was treated with chemo and is right now cancer-free. And last night I learnt that yet another aunt ... breast cancer again. She's got two kids, ages similar to me and my brother.
So you might say cancer runs in the family huh... along with autism and twins...
The Ego
I'm not at home right now... am using someone's WiFi and since this is a first for me, I'm on a WiFi stealing high.
Anyways, my results came out a while back... and I did reasonably well in my subjects. However, even that 'reasonably well' is not enough to satisfy me. I am proud, yes, of what I've done in certain subjects, but somehow I feel like I've let myself down. I've learned in the past few years to not ask questions, to not ask people other than my close friends how they fared. I usually get angry with myself if I find that others have been more successful with the subject than I am. Especially subjects which I considered (perhaps wrongly, now that I look at it) my forte. Ah well... no one is angry or disappointed with my grades. As I said, they were above average I guess... But I don't see my studying hard a way to prove something to others or to prove something to my parents to make them happy. It's for me. And I just wish I was satisfied. But a very favourite teacher of mine (well he never actually taught me, but he was a teacher at my school and a family friend as well) told me once that he's happy that I'm not always satisfied with my marks or writing or whatever because then it would mean that I will strive to be better the next time around and he was proud of me for wanting to do better each time... I always remember what he said and feel okay. I experience this even when I write: I'm never satisfied with any of my pieces, but people seem to like them, so YAY for me!!!
I'm off... hopefully with a new post sooner than later.
The Ego
Well, this has kinda been building up so I thought I might as well get it out at one go. I've been driving for over 2 years now (damn it, I feel old) and I feel like I'm not so much of a rookie anymore... so I want to comment on the driving situ in Dubai. And btw, I like driving in Dubai, so don't take this post as me being whiny etc and don't tell me "if you don't like it, leave" (yes Stained, this is directed towards you :P:P:P) ... all I'm saying is, there are certain idiots on the roads here, as there are everywhere... (and I must say, if I had to drive in Bombay, I'd crash the car within 2 minutes... the driving there scares me!)
Over the past few weeks, I've actually been driving more than I normally would in my hols, mainly because my Mum seems to now have some confidence in me and lets me drive even when she is in the car (which she would never do before, because as she previously used to say: "I'm in the car, you don't need to drive").
One thing I've noticed is the appalling lack of indicator usage. I mean, I'M SORRY if I'm not a mind-reader, but without the bloody indicator, how am I supposed to guess whether you want to change lanes, or which turn you're about to take on a roundabout??? It's mostly guesswork and I usually try and figure out which side the car is angled towards, which is ridiculous. I mean, the damn indicators are there for a reason people! USE THEM!
And if that were not enough, lately I've encountered a certain breed of clueless drivers. They seem to be trailing along in a certain lane and then they slowly, lazily move over to the other... and are halfway between two lanes as if they don't know where they are. Then suddenly... Inspiration strikes! And the car is jerked towards one side. Then surely, after a few minutes, the meandering between lanes begins. Usually caused by talking on the phone (and yes, I do drive and talk on my cell, but I seem to have mastered staying in my lane...the moment I feel I cannot talk and drive, I cut the line), applying make-up (I do it at when the traffic light is red or traffic jams:P), and I don't know what else.
There's the usual speeding of course... it's so common, what can I say about it? I understand the going-on-140 when the speed limit is (or rather, was ... :( ) 120 ... but those loonies going above 200... aaaaahhhhh... why don't they do that on an EMPTY road? Operative word being "empty".
Then there are the complete opposites. Just weeks ago, I was in the 2nd lane on the SZR and there were crazy fast drivers in the 1st lane as usual and 3rd lane was filled with normal speed people... my infernal luck that in front of me appeared one moron who INSISTED on driving BELOW 60 on the then-120km/h road and still felt the need to brake constantly. I had to suffer a few minutes of this torture before the 3rd lane cleared and I changed my lane. Oye Mr below-60... what the hell is the last lane for??? Grrrr...
Ah well...
I'm done ranting :)

And I want it on record: I LOVE DRIVING MY ITSY-BITSY BLUE BABY, BLUEBELL!!!
The Ego
I haven't blogged in ages; my apologies. Come to think of it, I hadn't written in my personal diary for a long time as well...almost as if I didn't want to write anymore. *shudder* I actually cannot imagine a time when I won't write, so this long hiatus from my diary and from this blog is awful. I hope to be more regular from now.
Anyways, this post is long overdue: I'd watched the Deepa Mehta movie Water a few days back and for the first time in a long time, a movie made me angry. Oh no, don't get me wrong, the movie was EXCELLENT...I'd recommend it to anyone far and wide. A brief overview: the movie describes the plight of Hindu widows in India in the pre-Independence era. I was SO surprised with the acting...I mean, John Abraham is super hot and sexy and yummy and...er...where was I? Yes, John Abraham...but I never expected him to play this serious role well. Ditto for Lisa Ray who looked BEAUTIFUL even in her plain white garb customary to Hindu widows.
This line (I'll translate it) hit me the most:
Old man: Do you remember the man you married?
Girl (between 6-9 years of age): No
Old man: He's dead now, so you're a widow
Girl: For how long do I have to be a widow?
The film started off with an excerpt from a Hindu religious text which outlined the utter barbaric expectations from a widow...and showed throughout the movie how the widows cannot wear anything but white, cannot be with men other than religious persons, cannot expect to re-marry...
Anyways, other than living in that way, they have the option to commit Sati i.e. immolate themselves on their husband's pyre. My goodness, have you seen any men throwing themselves on their wife's pyre if she dies before him? Have any religious texts ever asked this of them???
I was SO angry after watching this movie...true, the situation is better now what with the Indian laws thankfully NOT adhering to Hindu religion and has a law in place which allows widows to remarry. But what about rural areas? Women still commit Sati now and then, or else they stay alone after that ... look, if a woman is comfortable being alone and does not want to marry again, then fine. But even if she finds someone else and if she had to rigorously follow Hindu sacred texts, then what? As far as wearing white clothing only after his death, yes have an appropriate mourning period...who wouldn't mourn? It's the death of your partner...and sometimes, the love of your life (I say sometimes because not all wives love their husbands like they would their soul-mates) ... but to rob yourself of all colour all your life? My Dadi (paternal grandmother) wore white for a while after my Dada (paternal grandfather) died 12 years ago...me and my Mum kept telling her not to stay like that forever...I even remember buying her a blue-green sari from here and sending it to her...now she wears coloured saris...and I am thankful for that.
It just shows that age old traditions are not always right...and questioning such traditions is NOT wrong...if those traditions make sense and have a good reason behind them, they will stand up to your questioning...and should they break, then they were always useless. Religion is not always right. In this case, it most certainly wasn't.
Imagine me following this particular religious text...one day I could have blogged saying something like this blog is closing down coz I have to either separate myself from all worldly desires or else I'm going to jump into his funeral pyre.
Balls to this shitty text.
The Ego
For those who have some time on their hands and want to read a spoof summary of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows... Go here.
I loved the seventh book A LOT as I've said, but this was pretty funny!!!
The Ego
Er...
I counted.
At least 90 creatures (includes witches/wizards, animals, house elves, goblins, Muggles and whatever else) died during the course of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and more are unaccounted for.
Yes, I counted.
Get over it!!!
PS - Do you seriously need more proof of my HP obsession???
The Ego
6 hours, 15 minutes, 36 seconds... I actually timed myself. That's how long it took for me to finish the book.
I'm not going to reveal anything...just say that I have finished it. And overall, am quite happy with it.
The Ego
I was coming back towards DMC from Academic City with Kazz today around half past 3. We were entering the roundabout that lies between between the Dubailand HUGE roundabout and the 4th interchange.
It all happened so fast it's still quite a blur to me. We were in the second-last lane on the right and there was another car (a green-blue Camry) on the outermost lane. From nowhere, an Audi A6 came speeding on maybe 100 or 120km/h and swerved into our lane missing us by almost nothing (and this is only because Kazz braked HARD; if he hadn't braked, it wouldn't have missed anything... and as Kazz said, an Audi A6 against the Sirion we were in??? We would've suffered...) and then proceeded to swerve into the last lane and hit the other car which actually did a 360 and then came to a halt in the middle of the road. Needless to say, me and Kazz were shocked... the two men in the Camry got out, and went over to crazy Abu Dhabi Audi guy, who btw, had a lady sitting in the passenger seat. That Audi ass looked stunned and was staring ahead and wasn't even looking at us or the two Camry men. After figuring out there were no bodily injuries (to which one of the Camry men said "Thank God" but actually pronounced it like 'Got'...) me and Kazz moved along.
We both reacted differently... he was quiet for a while after, while I was the active bubbly one with the melancholy of the near-accident hitting me much later, throwing me into a silent mode.
The debate between me and Kazz is still ongoing whether I screamed first (like so: "Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!") and that's why he braked, or he braked first and then I screamed because of it. You can imagine that my big fat ego is still intact for me to suggest that he braked because I screamed. Needless to say, he thinks otherwise.
All in all, we are safe... thank goodness he braked...
PS - Thank you Kazz for telling me what the car models were... I didn't notice... all I remember about the cars was the green-blue colour of the other car and the Abu Dhabi number plate of the maniac...
The Ego
There are many choices YOU, as a woman, can make. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Just because he's your boyfriend, you don't have to marry him for fear of what society will think of you if you don't; if he's not the right guy...don't marry him. Simple as that.

Just because you've slept with him, doesn't mean you're obliged to marry him. It's possible that you made a mistake. Don't commit to that mistake for the rest of your life.

Just because you're engaged to him doesn't mean that if you break it off you're a bad person. If it's for the right reasons, then so be it.

Just because your parents say so, you don't have to marry a guy whom you're not sure about. Your parents may have had more experience, but it's your life. Make your own mistakes rather than letting your parents make a mistake out of your life.

Just because you married him doesn't mean you have to stay that way if the marriage is a failure; society and rumour-mongers be damned.

Just because you have kids doesn't mean you have to stay in a bad or unsuccessful marriage for their sake; if your kids love you and see that you're unhappy, they will still love you if you walk out of the relationship and will want you to be happy...

Don't regret your life... ever... that's the worst thing possible. As much as I'd hate to admit it...we have only one life. So there's no point in reminiscing when you're 68 thinking you've made a mess of your life just because...
The Ego

This one makes only two sounds:
- Haw haw
- *evil laugh*

Finally I get Puss-In-Boots... wonder what I'll get next!!!
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The Ego

This one:
- Burps
- Makes a noise that I cannot decipher
- Laughs

I actually ordered two hoping I'd get two different toys, but the outlet I got it from actually had a box full only of this little guy... so now I have two of him!!! Looks like I should visit different McDonald's outlets to get a different toy or something!!!!!!!

I think at the end of it all, I'll take a group pic of all my Shrek toys... muahaha...

And to think...I'm 20!!! :-o
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The Ego

It cries, says "Papa" and burps.

'Nuff said.

PS - Here's the first Happy Meal...
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The Ego
Note: Ppl... stop reading behind the lines too much ... this is just a piece of writing... nothing else. I don't want a barrage of comments asking me whether I'm okay.

She got into the vehicle and sat at the back. Slumped was more like it. On came the headset and loud music blared into her ears. No one noticed what she was upto. She might as well have been not there. The silence was palpable (outside her headset-blaring world i.e.). The tension could be sliced cleanly with a knife. Was there a slight amount of hatred in the air? Or was it resignation to fate? Helplessness even? She sat staring outside at the greenery with nothing else to do. Was this PMS or was she just bipolar? PMS seemed safer. Bipolar implied medication and strait-jackets. Her face was frozen, expressionless. It was doubtful whether the thoughts rushing through her head could even be translated into expressions. If it could, her face would contort into that which would convey unpleasantness, depression and a slight dollop of pain. So she sat, almost unblinkingly, her face fixed in one direction, not listening to the silence in the area around her. The vehicle stopped. They had arrived. People were waiting. Her face, stony and frozen all this time, snapped into action. "How are you?" asked someone. She smiled brightly and cheerfully replied, "I'm excellent, and yourself?" and inwardly winced at the facade.
Goffman would have been proud.
The Ego
I was at Ibn Battuta a while back at the food court in the Tunisian thingy. All was well. Got fish and chips (Love those) and I was content.
But then I noticed. Everywhere I turned, I saw little kids running around with things in their hands. Toys. The toys you get from the McDonald's Happy Meal. And for those who haven't noticed, McDonald's is carrying out a Shrek-Happy Meal thingy. Most of the brats running around, literally throwing their Shrek toys in my face, were holding the Gingerbread Man or Shrek himself. After about 40+ kids showing off... I had had enough.

I went and bought a Happy Meal.

That no one really wanted.

To get a toy.

I got Shrek. He makes a burping noise, a laughing noise and also says "OOOWWWW"

I couldn't resist! Those kids were literally rubbing it in: "I have a Shrek toy and you don't! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyaaahhh!"

I'm such a big baby... *embarrassed*
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The Ego
I'm telling ya... no one else would celebrate something like this.
One year ago, this day... I had my stomach cut open.
No, really.
It was my first blog post really... I had my appendicitis operation... for those who started reading this blog late and didn't read the old entries... you might wanna check this one out.
One year ago... ah, how the time flies...
What fond memories of that day.
Pain.
Some more pain.
And a catheter.
Such bliss.

Happy Appendicitis Operation Anniversary to me!
Happy Appendicitis Operation Anniversary to me!
Happy Appendicitis Operation Anniversary, dear D...
Happy Appendicitis Operation Anniversary to me!
May I never go through such pain anymore
May I never go through such pain anymore
Coz I never wanna be hooked up
To three tubes ever more!
Happy Appendicitis Operation Anniversary!!!!

Okay, that's enough now.
The Ego
I had to get my blood test done today for my visa renewal. For those who do read my blog regularly, they will know that I have been victim to a million types of pregnancy questions. And of course, on the form today that I had to fill, it asked me: "Are you pregnant?" (or some such question), options are "Yes", "Maybe" and "No". Well, what happens when a single girl ticks "maybe" ... does she get deported right away or do they check her first to see if she really is pregnant? Anyways, I resisted the temptation to find out and ticked "No" ... (however I would be famous albeit jailed and deported if I had an immaculate conception...hmmm). Anyways... back to the main story:
I was waiting for my turn to let the nurse jab me with a needle, hoping it wouldn't bring back more of the pain memories from my appendicitis last year (almost a year now...) when I heard 3 Doors Down 'Here Without You' starting to play. It was a ringtone...and my hand automatically went to...my butt. STOP! Stop all those naughty thoughts right this minute. My cellphone was in the 'butt pocket' of my pants and I reflexively thought my cell was ringing. Only then I realized my ringtone isn't Here Without You anymore and it was on silent anyway. After those 3-5 seconds of wondering about the song, a man...A BALD MAN...picked up his cell and walked off to talk on it. I'm telling ya, if I wasn't in a hospital, I would've squealed VERY loudly. As it were, I didn't. A bald guy with what looked like a Sony Ericsson (dunno wot model) had kept 3 Doors Down's 'Here Without You' as his ringtone! What were the odds??? And he didn't look half bad either... mammaa mia!
But then... disaster struck...
As I was leaving the hospital hoping to cherish memories of the hot bald guy who liked 'Here Without You' enough to keep it as his ringtone... I saw him. Outside the hospital. SMOKING.
And with his nicotine puffs...so did my hopes and dreams go up in smoke (can't stand a smoker as my life partner...).
Ah well... maybe someday... another hot bald guy...with a Sony Ericsson...and 3 Doors Down...with a hot body and sexy butt like this guy had... someday... someday!
The Ego
I made this list before... and I was inspired to add to it!!! (new bits are in italics)
Now, this is new: my commentary on what I actually think about these fine specimens of male booty.


List of hot guys on television
In random order:
1. Milo Ventimiglia (Jess Mariano on Gilmore Girls/Peter Petrelli on Heroes)
Dreamboat. Who can act!!! What more can we ask for??? ***SPOILER*** I cried when Heroes ended... guess why... *sniff* I also cried when his character left Gilmore Girls. I screamed with happiness thereby unsettling my bro when I saw him on a guest spot on the same show.

2. Wentworth Miller (Michael Scofield on Prison Break/ Hot guy on the Mariah Carey video "We Belong Together" and appeared at the end of "It's Like That" also by Mariah Carey)
Ummmm... Greek God. Who also can act!!! And he's always walking around without his shirt on the first season of Prison Break... yayyy...

3. Josh Holloway (Sawyer on Lost)
Rough, rugged, brooding... and... yes, he can act!!!

4. Michael Weatherly (Logan Cale on Dark Angel/Tony DiNozzo on NCIS)
He's soooooooooo cute... this sweetheart type of guy... at least, he acts that way...

5. Jensen Ackles (Alec on Dark Angel/He's in Supernatural also...haven't seen that yet. It also features "Dean" from Gilmore Girls who does not feature on this list)
Seen him on a limited scale, but have heard he's on Smallville also, soooo... looking forward to that. Very rough and tough sometimes... very vulnerable sometimes... :)

6. David Boreanaz (Angel/Angelus on Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Agent Booth on Bones...yummy yummy...David Boreanaz i.e. not bones)
I don't CARE how old he is... I don't care about anything... he's the man. Or vampire.

7. James Marsters (Spike on Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Ditto for him... (refer to 6)

8. Tom Welling (Clark Kent on Smallville)
Baby boooyyy... cute little babbyyyy... makes me wanna pull his cheeks...

9. Michael Rosenbaum (Lex Luthor on Smallville)
Love bald guys... adore them... although this one acts better than 8 methinks.

10. Noah Wyle (Dr. John Carter on E.R.)
Honeybun. Sugarplum. The SWEETEST doctor EVER! I'd love to be his patient anytime!!!

11. Goran Visnjic (Dr. Luka Kovac in E.R.)
Also would love to be his patient. Although he's more of the brooding type.

12. George Clooney (Dr. Doug Ross on E.R.)
I can't type... thinking about his sexiness...

13. James Spader (Alan Shore on Boston Legal)
Now, he is NOT hot. He makes it on this list because he's one of the best actors on this list. Seriously. He acts bloody well and the roguishness that he gives his character makes him look sexy. If he didn't act that way, no one... seriously, NO ONE would give him a second look.

14. Drew Fuller (Chris Halliwell on Charmed)
*siiiigggggggghhhhh* I cried a million times when he died on the show... I downloaded that episode just to see him cry again. He's no great shakes as an actor, but he looks dreamy.

15. James Lafferty (Nathan Scott on One Tree Hill)
The NEWEST love of my life. OMG... *drool*

16. Chad Michael Murray (Lucas Scott on One Tree Hill)
He acts well... looks good... nice body... yay for female TV viewers!

17. Patrick Dempsey (Dr. Shepherd aka McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy)
Oh oh oh ... McDreamy you are... yum yum... Aaaaahhh, how does his hair stay that way??? A lot of hair gel no doubt... or wax, as someone I know was wont to use.

I shall keep updating this list as new TV shows enter my life. And... for now... goodbye...
PS - Grey's Anatomy today!!!!!!!! Yayyyyyyy!!!
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The Ego
Years ago I became curious about why I dream when I do. I suppose it all started in 12th grade, when we were learning about Sigmund Freud (if you know me well, you'd know I love Psychology as a subject). So I began noting the days, or rather nights, when I had a dream... It turned out that the days that I was stressed or upset, I entered Dream Land that night. Now they help...the dreams i.e. to help me figure out why I'm stressed. Coz even if I'm not overtly stressed or upset and I have a dream, I think about what could be the reason and I usually find it. I've been having dreams a lot for a week or so... gives me an insight into my current state of mind. Last night, there were rabbits. My friend P had bought two white rabbits and if I'm not mistaken, they were scampering around in my old school and we were catching them. They were so adorable; I held them in my hands as well. She even had a basket to carry them around... very very veryyy cute. There were other parts to that dream...but the rabbits I remember so clearly. And then there was that park (I'd never seen it before but it was so beautiful) and I was alone. This part had nothing to do with the rabbits though. As I was saying, I was alone but everyone else were in groups of 2 and 3. Most unnerving I do assure you. Ah well ... the point is... I'm dreaming again.
Hmmm...
I discovered another potential phobia I could be suffering from (I tell ya...I'm mad!): Athazagoraphobia. I didn't even know there was a name for it till I saw it on an avatar site. Then I Yahooed it or Googled it or whatever and came up with this site (which is really useful if you want to stuff yourself with all the phobias possible). Anyway, athazagoraphobia means the fear of being forgotten. I don't like the concept, in fact, am truly scared of the idea that anyone can forget me, forget how they feel about me, forget what I looked like, forget how I made them feel ... I am truly and honestly scared that I'll be forgotten. Stupid huh? I don't know... that's how it is. Maybe I'm a pipsqueak scared of everything and eventually none of it will matter coz I'll end up dead... like everyone else. But then if I die, what if people forget me? Which they will eventually. Ah looks like I'm fated to die with both my phobias kind of culminating at the same time... fear of death (I'll be dead) and fear of being forgotten (I'll eventually be forgotten). Truly, it's a conspiracy.
Ah well ...
The Ego
Head bursting
Voices screaming
A cacophony in her head
Deafening her pleas
Stop these thoughts, she cried
Stop the mental carnage
Jealousy reigns
And oh, how it does pain
But in the end
None of it matters
Mental chaos prevails

Note: Finals going on, which explains my lack of posts!
B&B
The Ego
No, this is nothing to do with Breakfast in Bed (never been to such a hotel), Bold and the Beautiful (My goodness, Brooke has married/had sex with the father, son#1, son#2, son-in-law, step-bro of son#1 [incidentally also the 2nd husband of her daughter] and goodness knows who else... must catch up on it soon *wink* *wink*) or Bulls and Bears (don't care much about the stock market)... but with another completely different B&B.
I went to the consulate today for some work...and I must say, if any woman/girl wants to be stared at by unabashed lechers who just focus on two areas, while thinking through their crotch, PLEASE go there. At first, I felt kinda bad about the long queue of males and the uber-short female queue (positive discrimination! HRM, anyone?), but after more than 50% of those people in the queue began holding conversations with my B&B's, all sympathy evaporated. I mean...there I was, covered from tip to toe in pants and a knee-length kurti, the only skin showing besides my face were half my hands... and it wasn't like it was body-clinging or anything... but no! It was as if they had never seen a woman with B&B's before and I could hear them silently saying in their head:
Lecher #1: Hello there my pretties...nice to meet you today
Lecher #2: Wowieee... never seen the likes of you before...how you doin'?
Lecher #3: Hello...I've seen a lot but just can't get enough, so how about you and me... *dirty wink*
Just imagine what they would behave like if a woman wearing less than I was would walk into the area. Pandemonium. (And if anyone says it's the woman's fault then for wearing those clothes, don't bother; I've heard those ridiculous arguments before and they don't hold with me... yes, we like to be looked at sometimes, but NOT with such sexually objectifying connotations)
Thank heavens I don't have to go to the consulate any time soon.
The Ego
The Ego
I don't think I've ever done this, but here's a link to a blog called 'Hours'... the link will take you directly to a particular post that, I felt, was written very well. I identify with it so much... I just wanted to share it with other people who haven't read his blog.
One of my most favourite lines from the post (although I actually love the entire thing):
My eyes aren't water retentive. And my heart isn't pain retentive.
I'll blog again soon when inspiration strikes!
Adios amigos.
The Ego
Remember my phobia?
I was on Orkut, and I got a message from someone (who remembers all those people, half of whom I can't really be bothered to talk to anyway and probably wouldn't have even remembered that they were in my life if it wasn't for these social networking sites?) directing me to the scrapbook of the Indian girl who died in Virginia Tech. Curious, I went there. There were over 31000 scraps (and now, about 4 hours after checking, it's over 34000) and first I thought, wow, she was popular. Then I checked them out and I realized there were over 5-10 scraps being made every minute along the lines of "RIP"... I didn't make a scrap...I didn't know what to write.
No, this post is not about her. It's not even about Virginia Tech. It's, selfishly enough, about me and my thoughts. And my phobia. It's just that she's gone. Along with those other people. Life is so fragile. It can snap out of your hands any minute. When I'm gone, what's the guarantee that anyone will remember me? Maybe for a few weeks, or months at most? Then, I'll be a fading memory. She might be remembered for a few weeks, and then she too will fade. Yes, people who knew her will remember her. But they too will stop thinking about her as much in time. Such is the way of life. Or death as it may be.
It's interesting to me... that when people die, their online accounts ... their membership in social networking sites... stay as they are. Eerily unchanging. Last year, a student died from my college...I remember after his death I went to his hi5 profile... there he was... frozen in cybertime. And here she is, so frozen.
Many people might think it's silly... everyone dies, don't they? Why be scared? Those who believe in Heaven and Hell or Nirvana or Paradise or whatever else may perhaps be better off than me. Even religion helps I suppose. Those who follow a religion might even say they're going to God. I don't, therefore I don't assume any such thing (I'm an agnostic... you got a problem with that?? And don't bother confusing me with an atheist).
I jokingly say I'll become a ghost and haunt people after my death; that's just to comfort myself that I'll still be around in some way or the other. No one seems to understand how I feel when I feel the phobia creeping up on me...but then again, that's probably because no one has been with me when I'm experiencing it ... The whole concept of "not existing"...freaks me out.
Seriously... sometimes I wonder what's the point ... of anything at all ...
The Ego
Okay, this is really annoying: I said I'm too busy to blog (TBTB) and then I get stuff to blog about! It's like when I say I'm not going to watch TV for a few hours but then I see that they're showing Gilmore Girls or Lost or LOTR or whatever else I like, so I end up watching anyway. It's like when I say I'm going to diet for the next week, but then Mum ends up making the best of her best food, so I end up eating anyway!

In any case...I'm feeling very proud of myself. Now, you must be thinking that I may never have a problem with pride (considering my ego), but seriously, for me, I'm proud of something I did. I think it shows that I've really moved on.
There's this person...whom I really cared for. I did everything possible for this person...but I was hurt; I was never given my due...I was always hurt and pushed aside sometimes for the supposedly "cooler people". I never really minded because I really loved this person. I never realized that I wasn't as important to this person as he/she was to me until after many years... Mind you, I'd still do whatever I can to help this person, but now I have my limits because I've realized that while I do have a certain value in this persons' life, it's not the same value that I've assigned to him/her. I'd help this person in whatever way I can, even after all the pain... but, this one thing I could not do. So today I was asked to "help" this person by lying. Now, I'm not a saint. I'm not above lies. My type of lies are usually the ones that protect people from getting hurt (if you hate lies, just condemn me already, but the remainder of the post might redeem me)... but this lie expected me to pretend to be someone I'm not and lie to authorities about something. I refused. I'd have never done this 4 years back...I would've succumbed to pressure and done whatever I was asked blindly. And if I'd somehow said no, my life would've been made miserable, and this person would've probably stopped talking to me or been outright rude and awful to me, and I suppose I would've cried loads. I'm not like that anymore.
To be honest, other than the fact that I thought it was a wrong thing to lie about, I also had no interest in getting caught and possibly getting in trouble. Anyways, after my refusal I got lines about how my honest attitude would not get me far in life.

I'm doing fine, thank you (I'm still feeling proud of myself!).
The Ego
(I know my previous post said TBTB, but...what can I say...a blogger is a blogger is a blogger!)

It's odd...I don't really understand it. I've come to realize that I get most angry with the people I love the most. But as soon as these people come in front of my eyes or I speak to them somehow, my anger evaporates. Even though I feel (or felt) that I have good cause to be angry...that my anger, my disappointment is justified... I can't stay that way with them for long. I'm quite a hopeless case really...I was worse before though: I used to get angry, then fight or shout or scream, then within a moment regret it and apologize like a groveling ninny. I've learned over the years that that makes no sense. So now when I get angry, I usually (not always mind you) wait...let it pass, so I don't make ridiculous statements that I regret. However, some things slip out now and then in anger...for which I get annoyed with myself. And then my anger evaporates... And then I apologize anyway for having said something stupid.

To get back to where I started: it's odd... how my anger evaporates very fast if you're someone whom I love. Don't take advantage of that.

Note: now REALLY... TBTB!!!
The Ego
This is just for people who might actually be reading my blog: Exams are starting next week so I probably won't blog for a bit, unless of course someone or something stirs up a sufficient maelstrom of emotions which inspires me to write...These exams are just for a week, but then the entire month of May I have more exams! However, after that I'll be free for 3-4 months... long holiday indeed.
I'll be back to blogging...soon enough... so if there are any people who do come back to this blog now and then to see what's up with the Big Fat Ego, never fear...my ego is too inflated to avoid writing about myself for long... hehe... :)
PS - TBTB means "too busy to blog" ... I saw this on some other blogs when I first started the bloggie scene... very useful...
...
The Ego
I have to study. But am I? No, I'm too distracted. When things happen...that makes me think. And I keep thinking. And then I think some more... I can't concentrate. Consequently, I can't study. I don't know what to do now. Talk to someone? Can't talk to anyone; some ppl are actually studying, why disturb them? And the one I want to talk to probably won't talk to me anyway. Listen to music like crazy? Something rock and gothic and dark and very depressing maybe. Write? Write what... depressing useless poems I suppose... My glasses have gone to the optician, so my head is already hurting. I haven't eaten all day. I wonder if I should give in and hog as I am wont to do. I don't want to think so much y'know. I wonder how to stop it. Am I sounding a bit mad? Perhaps I am. I feel that way anyway. I'm an emotional moron...really... and what use is that in this world? Nothing. Nothing at all.
See this for more info...

Ignore this rant... I had to remove it somewhere, considering I'm not talking to anyone.
The Ego
No seriously... this isn't a post about some SRK (ShahRukh Khan) look-alike... it's the real deal. My father got an invite from the ICICI Bank for their annual function, which was graced this year by SRK (as last year), along with Karan Johar and Kunal Ganjawalla for good measure.
It was great fun actually, which I did NOT expect from a bank-organized function. Started with a cocktail followed by the show and topped off by dinner. A quick round-up of what happened, along with some things which caught my attention:
  • SRK entered the hall in a gleaming red Ferrari. I managed to get a video of it, but it's unclear in certain spots mainly because of the amount of jostling by people to catch a close glimpse of the "Don" ... the Ferrari was shining and SRK was quite good to look at in the skin as well.
  • Kunal Ganjawalla performed his hits like Bheege Hoth Tere and Channa Ve... he sings amazing well live, but he's fatter than I thought he would be
  • Karan Johar, my personal favourite cutie... was adorable. He did an impromptu "Koffee With Karan" thing with the CEO of ICICI and SRK and that was SO MUCH FUN... an example of some of the naughty things SRK said coming up as well ... refer to next point!
  • KJ: If you had to choose between Koffee with Karan or Koffee with Kamath (the CEO), it would be?
    SRK: Milk with Mallika (Sherawat)
    KJ: If you had to give the book "The Art of War" to anyone, it would be?
    SRK: Amar Singh, because he doesn't know how to fight fairly
    KJ: If you had to give the book "How to remain faithful to your wife", it would be?
    SRK: He's my friend so he won't mind me saying this... Salman Khan
    KJ: If you had to give the book "How to get over your girl" (actually, I'm not sure if this was the title or something else, but... I remember the answer so...I have a vague idea of what the question was) to someone?
    SRK: Viveik Oberoi (with reference to Aishwarya Rai of course, so the crowd was amused)
    KJ: Who's the better actor: Hrithik or Aamir?
    SRK: Hrithik is better than Aamir and Aamir is better than Hrithik, but I'm the best!
    KJ: If you're the best in India, who's the 2nd best?
    SRK: I don't remember!
    Basically... he was very tongue-in-cheek and it was great fun for us! Many more such questions, but don't remember them all right now...
    Oh and one thing he said I so totally approved of:
    KJ: Who's the better dancer, Madhuri or Aishwarya?
    SRK: Madhuri (I HATE AISHWARYA, SO PROPS TO YOU SRK FOR SAYING THAT!!!)
  • Then SRK also took questions from the audience...but my most favourite was the first one asked by a little boy...
    Little Boy: Shah Rukh, how are you going to shoot for KBC tonight?
    The audience erupted in peals of laughter I must say! But then ... SRK replied...
    SRK: I sent Amitabh Bachchan instead!
    More laughter... But then he went on to explain to the little boy how the show was pre-recorded...
  • There was a nice song-and-dance thing, where SRK brought one girl and one guy on stage to dance with him... the girl on 'Pretty Woman' and the guy on 'Don'... the girl was very fake, the guy was moronic, but it was all in fun... so yay...
  • THE FOOD WAS AMAZZZINGGG... I hogged... oh forgive me, my conscience, but I so totally HOGGED... special mention to a particular dish called 'Chicken Daniya'... scrumptious... and the sweets, oh the sweets! Chocolate mousse, chocolate cake, strawberry mouse, barfis, gulab jamuns, malai something... and gawd knows what else... I felt like I was in food heaven after my current stint at healthy eating... I won't let loose again, I promise... but last night, I COULD NOT RESIST!
I had fun... *sigh* Can't you tell??? :D
The Ego
I don't know why I'm posting this, but I love this song...and if I could, I would've gone to the concert (Dubai Desert Rock) just to see this. But I didn't go, and that's the end of it ...

The Ego
So...again, continuing on the prior marriage talks, somehow, Mum and I got back to the whole "D-getting-married" topic. This time she asked me what I'd look for in a man I'd want to marry. This stemmed from her observation that I might just go find someone myself instead of her looking for someone for me. I, however, am not that stubborn. If they find someone who matches up to my criteria...why not??? Of course, note that, for me, marriage is on the cards only after 4 years AT LEAST, if not more.
In any case, for the purpose of sharing this info... following are a few of the things I think I want in my soul-mate or life-partner or what-have-you (there are other small, teensy-weensy preferences which I shall only get into when the following points are satisfied):
  • IQ higher than 120: Seriously...if you want to apply to D's life partner post, you have to have some brains. No dunderheads for me, I'm sorry. And honestly, if in some areas you're smarter than me, that's actually a plus.
  • Parlez-vous anglais?: If I haven't said it before, let me say it again. If you do not know how to speak English well, if your grammar is suspect...don't even TRY. Nothing pisses me off more than incorrect English.
  • Money, money, money: Why should I lie? I'm used to a certain way of living, a certain lifestyle. I'm not going to trade that for stupid crap like 'If you have love, what else do you need?' I'm sorry to say mister, you need some money! Besides, the suitor needs to be able to furnish me with the same level of lifestyle I'm used to now, if NOT more.
  • The 'Marry-D-Get-Bro-Free' package deal: Dude, let me make this simple...you can't deal with my bro, I don't want to deal with you. I'm sure there are better fish than you in the sea. So sod off.
  • I'm a Working Girl: That says it all. I don't want someone who expects me to not work. I'll stop working when I feel like it, thank you very much. I deserve my own level of independence; both creatively and financially.
  • Pet-lover: I think one day I'd want to have a dog again...prospective suitors need to be okay with any kind of pet; a dog gives you an edge though.
  • Cooking problem: I can't really cook. I've burnt an egg, for heavens sake. I'm okay with small stuff, but if you want proper meals... ummm, either sign me up for cooking classes (oh please don't; take the next option!), or know how to cook yourself, OR... use the money that I specified you should have to get a cook!
Oh and I suppose the guy should love me. What's the point of the above points if this point is not satisfied, don't you think?
The Ego
Well, it wasn't a dark stormy night 20 years ago, but for the sake of drama, let's pretend it was. So 20 years ago, on a supposedly dark and stormy night, D...the big fat ego was born.
So anyway...t'was a normal day today... wanted to merely share an interesting yet scary conversation I had today.
Grandmother: Oh, you're 20... one more year and we can start looking for guys.
Me: Guys? Huh?
G'mum: So you can get married
Me: WHat? At 21? Wot nonsense!
(at this point, my mum thankfully stepped into the fray)
Mum: No she won't get married so early...she has other things to do first. Then after 23, 24 we can look at marriage options.
I LOVE MY MUM SOOOO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!
But then the family started discussing Nazi-oriented interrogation techniques which they'd apply on prospective suitors... my uncle even suggested putting a detective on the suitors' tail. Scary thing is, he'd really do it!
Anyways, I'm 20... I'm actually not depressed... the only thing that has changed is that my orkut profile says I'm 20 and not 19 anymore. So it's all good...
I'm off... and I'm 20 ... and ready for ANYTHING... woohoo...
The Ego
So I'm 20 now.
I'll blog again at the end of the day... ah well... I'm so old... ;)
The Ego
Sooooooooo... today's a special day... 11 years ago the love of my life bawled his way into the world... Happy Birthday my sweetheart...you celebrated in school today and didn't bring back any of that yummy cake for me...no problem, tomorrow we'll have fun with a chocolate-y cake ohkayy??
*muah*
*hugs*
And this is just what I always sing to him almost everyday:
You're my honeybun, sugar plum, pumpy-umpy-yumpkin, you're my sweetiepie
You're my cuppycake, gumdrop, snoogum-boogums,
You're the apple of my eye!
And I love you so and I want you to know that I'll always be right here
And I loove to sing sweet songs to you, because you are SO dear!
(The cuppycake song!)
Love youuu... and happy birthday again!
The Ego
I think too much.
And hard.
So much so that it hurts.
Thinking, thinking, thinking.
Like something pounding on a wall.
Bang bang bang.
Reminds me of that god-awful song "Bang bang" by Nancy Sinatra.
Dull thudding isn't it??
The thoughts I mean.
They don't stop...how much ever I wish they would.
It scares me sometimes, how much I think.
Bordering on obsession methinks.
My head is hurting; I think I said that already?
It won't end you know...the thoughts.
Vicious cycle, where one debilitating thought leads to another.
Concentration is close to zero right now...and I need to concentrate on other things.
But I'm so obviously not.
Falling into an abyss.
Seems dark there.
Good... I seem to like the dark right now.

Edit: I was gonna put this note in before, but later thought it wouldn't be necessary. But SINCE Stained got confused (hehe), I want to clarify: this is not a poem. It's just written in that way. Soooo that's that...
The Ego
For those who don't know much about Greek mythology, tell me enlighten you about the Fates or the Moirae... the three personifications of destiny: one measured the length of your life (Lachesis) , one spun your life (Clotho) and the last cut it off i.e. killed you (Atropos).

Here's a conversation that I imagine the three Fates had about me (I won't use their names, coz ppl might get confused, so for everyone's convenience, Fate 1 spins, Fate 2 measures and Fate 3 kills):
Fate 1: Hmmm, I'm growing tired of spinning D's thread (er, thread of life)
Fate 2: I'm sorry but I've measured it to be a bit longer...you have to continue!
Fate 1: I wish I could STOP!
Fate 2: Well, I tried to help you last year with that appendix problem...I mean, if she hadn't gone to the doctor that very day...
Fate 3: ...I could've cut the thread bcoz it was fatal...but she discovered the problem in the nick of time.
Fate 1: Is there anything else we can do?
Fate 3: Well... there is a slight problem she has, with her back...maybe we can spin it to our advantage?
Fate 2: Oh yes...I can do that... *spins*
Fate 1: Will this work?
Fate 2: Well, it will unless she discovers it in time!

HAH ... I did discover it in time! I mean, as if I haven't had enough issues with my health, that I get another problem thrown in my lap. No exact details...but something to do with my spine, so I'm glad I found out before any major damage.

Like last time...i.e. when I went for my operation, again I had a pregnancy question coming at me. Before my X-ray I had to sign a form which said "I hereby confirm that I am not pregnant today". Well, that was an easy question to answer, wasn't it??
The Ego
I saw two movies in my Psychology classes over the last two weeks: Crash and Hotel Rwanda. I'd seen Crash before but not Hotel Rwanda. The second movie was awful to watch, in the sense that the bloodshed and pointless killing was just that: pointless. These movies were a precursor to our prejudice and discrimination chapter.
I still cannot understand it...the reason for such violence and such stupidity. For it is stupid. Who the bloody hell cares what the colour of your skin is, whether you worship one god or many or aliens from another planet or you don't pray at all? Apparently some people do. Fanatics I call them...extremists...and they aren't restricted to any race or religion. That minority of screwed up numbskulls spoil the reputation of that particular group which leads everyone else to think in stereotypes (damn, too much psych!). Why else does the media and people make labels like "crazy Scientologists" or "Muslim terrorists" or "Black gangsters" whatever else crap they bandy around? Then it all starts...the suspicion, the discrimination, the hatred... and for what? It's all so pointless.
Does my idealism regarding a non-violent and accepting world even help? I wish it did. I remember that I never really noticed exactly where my friends in school and in college came from or what religion they followed. It's just not in my consciousness...coz it doesn't make a difference to me. They mention, I'm from Timbuctoo and then I say ok. I mean, so what if you're from a particular place? If they're from the same place I'm from, I delight in sharing stories about common ground, but that's about it. I'm friends with people in their entirety, not just with their race or religion or where they're from or whatever.
I have a feeling I've racked up many posts going bonkers over the differences that people accentuate for no logical reason whatsoever...but what can I say...this is something I feel strongly about, so yes, I shall blog about it.
The Ego
Apparently, it is all my fault that I had to have an open appendectomy instead of a simply laproscopy. It's my f***ing fault that I have a 11cm scar down my stomach. It's all my fault that I had to suffer last June. Alright then...my fault it is.
Hmmm... "How do I not like thee...let me count the ways"
The Ego
I'm perfect at wasting time if I am motivated enough (i.e. I need to be bored enough). And to add to that, my narcissism truly helps me in my mission to fritter away my time aimlessly.
For example, for the last hour, I've just been re-arranging and adding new photographs to the collection in my room. I have anywhere from 35-45 photos of MYSELF (and sometimes my friends and family thrown in here and there; but say 80%-85% of the pics have me in it) all framed on the walls and tables of my room. Suffice to say, I'm happy with todays work. I was bored witless enough to make sure the frames matched the colours of the photograph...for example, in one pic I'm wearing red, ergo it's in a red frame, and so on so forth. The heights of my narcissism...can it have already reached its peak?? ;) Naaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!
Another way to waste time is on the phone... to the best of my knowledge... here are my top three longest phone convos (at least, the ones that I remember; I'm sure I must've had many more just as long as these) :
3. 1 hour 52 minutes... starting time about midnight
2. 2 hours 25 minutes... starting time also about midnight
1. 3 hours... starting time again about midnight
Seems like midnight is the golden hour for people to call me and make the list eh? Oh, and for those people who say girls talk a lot...these top 3 records I made while talking to guys. You men yak just as much as girls, if not more.
Soooo...now I'm off to waste more time... I wonder when I'll get around to finishing my assignments... :(
Oh oh oh... Bertrand Russell (bless his soul) said: "The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time."
And I enjoy most of the time I waste ergo I've not really wasted my time...Wooohooo I love Bertrand Russell more and more!!!
The Ego
Edit: warning removed... :P

I've learnt not to speak when I am angry. I've learnt to think things over and then speak, coz in anger, who knows what I can say or do? So I try to keep my mouth shut...what is it that they say..."Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret"? I would've made one of my best speeches today but no way would I have regretted it... I now regret not making it.

So...if I was more composed, this is what I would have said to you:
If there is a God, then I hope that He/She truly castrates you as you had requested yourself a few weeks back coz it would be an immense pity to pass on your horrific genes to unsuspecting progeny. And one more thing, I'd rather let the entire homo sapien specie die out than have anything to do with you.

I feel much better.
The Ego
Right. So...was going through a tunnel from DMC (Dubai Media City) to KV (Knowledge Village) in Bluebell (my car) with Kazz and Off in tow. Kazz made some crack about my driving and I told him to get out of my car (in jest, of course!). Well, the car was moving and even though he DID open his door, he obviously did not get out. Sooooo... while in the tunnel, I stopped smack in the middle (thank the planners that the tunnel had 2 lanes, otherwise I might've held up traffic!), and said, ok now go! And that nincompoop actually got out! There he was...walking outside on the little pavement meant for loony ppl who want to walk through that lonely tunnel. I followed him for maybe 5 seconds and when he showed no sign of relenting in those 5 seconds, I braked, put the car on park and snapped the hand brake up. I not only parked the car in the middle of the road (there aren't even any yellow lines...just two lanes!), I herewith proceeded to get out of the car and walk after him in an attempt to get him back in the car. Where was Off? Oh, left in the backseat of Bluebell. However, the childlock was not on today (I usually keep the childlock on for my backseats coz of my bro; he has a devilsh and dangerous tendency to open car doors whilst the car is moving!), so he got out and started driving my car! (Ok, no one... NO ONE has driven my car before except Kazz simply coz I don't let anyone else touch it...so this was a mild shock)
So there we were... me and Kazz... in the tunnel... and no car. Ah well...we kept walking, and found the car and its hijacker up near the BITS and Welcare block. Off then dared me to walk all the way to our college block and I was going to do that coz I mean, it's not a long distance anyway. I started walking, but then Kazz went all wonky and manhandled me (YES, he manhandled me!) by literally pushing me into the car. I was stuffed into the backseat of my own car...by Kazz...which is no mean feat, coz let's face it: I'm bigger than him.
I've therefore come to the conclusion, going by past experience, and this as well, that even thin people are stronger than me. I have no strength in me. Ah, helpless damsel I am indeed.
Wot was the moral of this story?? Errr... don't DITCH your friends...and if you do, run after them... and errrr... size is definitely no indication of strength!!!
The Ego
I am not a practical person.

I attended the wedding reception of a friend of mine yesterday. She's a month younger to me... I just hope she will be happy. That's all I can say.

I did something yesterday that reminded me of the song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. It was perfect for the setting methinks...
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
If only.

My current MSN Messenger personal msg says: Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead. Honestly, you need to do everything you want to do (within reason; for heavens sake, don't rob a bank or something) right now... there is NO later. Otherwise you'll always regret what you didn't do.

And that is that!
The Ego
As she surveyed the room with her red, water-filled eyes, she wondered how she could bear the cold emanating from the bare tiles. Considering she felt cold all the time, here she was...on the icy, chilling floor. Crouched in a corner, the water on the tiles was a puzzle until she realized it was her own tears on the floor. Had she cried that much? She didn't remember. Maybe she blacked out. Shivering, but not from the cold, she tried to get up again...and again...and again... until finally some strength helped her up.
How had everything gone so wrong? She needed to stop... this was giving her a headache... would Panadol work? How many to have? Or was sleep a better option? She could hope for a dreamless sleep so that the pain not there anymore. But then, when she woke up...it would start all over again. Wot was the point...nothing worked anymore.
Ah, the phone rings...a family member. Now is when her acting prowess will come in good stead. She laughs...speaks as though she has not a care in the world. And oh, the family buys into her act. Can they see the hurt, lonely and lost person behind the facade? Not at all. An actress indeed.
It's her fault...who asked her to be so damn attached to things and to people?
DISCLAIMER: All opinions expressed on this blog are the bloggers private thoughts, not meant to cause harm. Take everything with a pinch of salt.